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I just put chocolate ice cream and wine in the same glass.
Teen: I want a jigglypuff
Me: watch your mouth!
Teen: What? Dad has one!
Me: I'm well aware
🎶♩All night, all day ice cream watching over me, My Lord.
All night, all day eating my pain away. Ice cream watching over me. ♩🎶
A Sunday kind of love?
No thank you.
How about a Thursday or Friday kind of love?
There was something I needed from Barnes and Noble...what was it?
Oh yeah! It was books.
Me: When your tummy is full, you should stop eating.
Toddler: *giggles and crams more chips in to her mouth*
Toddler: My tummy's full
Me: Are you finished eating?
If you spend time making yourself a delicious lunch, sit down to enjoy it & someone comes, grabs your plate & runs, you must have a toddler
I checked out a book about overcoming procrastination from the library, but didn't read it before it was due.
I wish this was a joke.
That meeting could have been a Facebook message.
The day you decide to give up sugar will inevitably be the day your husband comes home with 3 packs of cookies.
"Am I FILF?"
"Yes. You're filfy."
"Take these sunglasses, just in case those trees don't sufficiently throw shade."
Does anyone here like Prince?
This is what it's sounds like when the world cries.
Current status: hiding under the kitchen table eating ice cream while my toddler is busy with something else.
My daughter has been asking to go back to bed since she woke up.
Pretty sure she's mine.
"You're beautiful even when you look like a washed out crack whore" - My husband
I've never felt like a room without a roof.
What am I missing here?
Stronger than ativan and more powerful than chocolate.
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