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  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    I just put chocolate ice cream and wine in the same glass.

    • 5
    • LIKES
    asparagus_thiefRyanJJohnpaul_shinnPetulantZebraSexyInsomniac
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    Teen: I want a jigglypuff
    Me: watch your mouth!
    Teen: What? Dad has one!
    Me: I'm well aware

    • 7
    • LIKES
    itsathought2Beerhazeasparagus_thiefpaul_shinnRyanJJohnMeemawKatePetulantZebra
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    🎶♩All night, all day ice cream watching over me, My Lord.
    All night, all day eating my pain away. Ice cream watching over me. ♩🎶

    • 13
    • LIKES
    BeerhazeGreeblehausbeingtheoHormonellaGeniusAquarius1squiggIelinepaul_shinnnativeminnow
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    A Sunday kind of love?
    No thank you.
    How about a Thursday or Friday kind of love?

    • 8
    • LIKES
    beingtheoHormonellaBDGarpasparagus_thieftweetcomedianecinedpaul_shinnMaui_Speaks
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    There was something I needed from Barnes and Noble...what was it?
    Oh yeah! It was books.

    • 7
    • LIKES
    HormonellaMaui_Speakspaul_shinnsome1s_sistanativeminnowhiimlesGeniusAquarius1
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    Me: When your tummy is full, you should stop eating.
    Toddler: *giggles and crams more chips in to her mouth*

    • 12
    • LIKES
    HormonellaMaui_SpeaksKarenLyneButlerKenmoreInnRyanJJohnnativeminnowpaul_shinnshanethevein
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    Toddler: My tummy's full
    Me: Are you finished eating?
    Toddler: No!

    • 7
    • LIKES
    BeerhazeHormonellaKarenLyneButlerpaul_shinnhiimlesGPappalardoasparagus_thief
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    If you spend time making yourself a delicious lunch, sit down to enjoy it & someone comes, grabs your plate & runs, you must have a toddler

    • 10
    • LIKES
    onume_HormonellaKenmoreInnasparagus_thiefMaui_Speakspaul_shinnhiimlesRyanJJohn
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    I checked out a book about overcoming procrastination from the library, but didn't read it before it was due.
    I wish this was a joke.

    • 14
    • LIKES
    beingtheoonume_HormonellaKenmoreInnMaui_SpeaksGeniusAquarius1shanetheveinasparagus_thief
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    That meeting could have been a Facebook message.

    • 10
    • LIKES
    HormonellaKenmoreInnGeniusAquarius1donnitweetcomedianpaul_shinnPetulantZebrastarrtwin
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    The day you decide to give up sugar will inevitably be the day your husband comes home with 3 packs of cookies.

    • 7
    • LIKES
    beingtheoHormonellasome1s_sistatweetcomedianhiimlesnativeminnowpaul_shinn
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    "Am I FILF?"

    "Yes. You're filfy."

    • 9
    • LIKES
    HormonellaGeniusAquarius1FriedaClubpaul_shinnshanetheveinhiimlesRebeccaRush639dietredbull
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    "Take these sunglasses, just in case those trees don't sufficiently throw shade."

    • 10
    • LIKES
    HormonellarealHamOnWryshanetheveinasparagus_thiefsmacdonaitsdonnaokpaul_shinnhiimles
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    The more cheese you add to your salad, the less it tastes like sadness.
    #helpfultip

    • 15
    • LIKES
    beingtheoHormonellaminealone6RebeccaRush639DadsUpLateFriedaClubKarenLyneButleritsdonnaok
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    christut8
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    Does anyone here like Prince?

    • 9
    • LIKES
    HormonellaGeniusAquarius1RebeccaRush639KarenLyneButlertweetcomedianpaul_shinnhiimlesshanethevein
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    This is what it's sounds like when the world cries.
    RIP

    • 15
    • LIKES
    HormonellaRebeccaRush639Karl66078875KarenLyneButlershanetheveinpaul_shinnasparagus_thiefTriciaRansom
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    TriciaRansomSheilaDennisMuffissness
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    Current status: hiding under the kitchen table eating ice cream while my toddler is busy with something else.

    • 12
    • LIKES
    HormonelladonniRebeccaRush639KarenLyneButleritsdonnaokangryczeckPetulantZebrahiimles
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    My daughter has been asking to go back to bed since she woke up.
    Pretty sure she's mine.

    • 13
    • LIKES
    beingtheoHormonellaRebeccaRush639shanetheveinKarenLyneButlercabridgedtweetcomedianitsdonnaok
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    "You're beautiful even when you look like a washed out crack whore" - My husband

    • 15
    • LIKES
    My_Bass_DownLowbeingtheoHormonellacalluptomeRebeccaRush639KarenLyneButlerasparagus_thiefitsdonnaok
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    beingtheo
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    I've never felt like a room without a roof.
    What am I missing here?

    • 7
    • LIKES
    HormonellaRebeccaRush639asparagus_thiefshanetheveinhiimlesbeingtheoYellow
@Blue_Crab

@Blue_Crab

Stronger than ativan and more powerful than chocolate.

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