Happy Birthday, Turkey Jesus!

"Natural" deoderant leaves me smelling like I naturally crawled out of Satan's bowels.

Just realized I've reached an age where flirting and subtly flashing cleavage won't get me out of a ticket.
Fuck

I've spent the last 8 hours waiting for it to be late enough to go to sleep.

My huzband told me I opened the wine wrong.


I'm confused.

If the wine is open then *nothing* is wrong.

They don't like it when you sing along at the opera, even if you know all the words.

Married life is great.
My underarm hair is the longest it's ever been and he still has to sleep with me.

Marriage achievement unlocked.
Level up.

Going to the zoo to tell the apes that I'm on their side.

There are 127 books on my amazon wish list about minimalism.

What y'all are calling a heatwave, we in the south call it summer.

If you're in a glass house, you shouldn't look up.
You could be under the bathroom.

If life gave me lemons, I'd stick 'em in my pants and pretend I had a really huge set of balls. - My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen

No crying in the office bathroom before noon.

I'm pretty good at passive-aggression



unlike *some* people.

I was thinking of running in front of a car, but then noticed that there was still coffee left in my cup.
Crisis averted.

My roommate woke me up at 6 AM to do "yoga booty ballet" and now I need a new roommate.

I bought a camper today.

He won't come inside and he wants to build a fire.

I LOVE your eyes.


Do you really need both of them?

I'm broke, so I'm at hallmark, taking pictures of cards and sending them to friends.