A pessimist is alone. An optimist is always two people away from having a threesome.

Bored. Horny. Borny, if you will.

Even though I am Canadian, I don't say sorry just to be polite.

I just caught sight of my own tits and got totally distracted.

Does that facial recognition software work on boobs? Like boobal recognition?

Say what you want about this space, meeting some of you has been my lifeline, and helped renew my faith in humanity. Xxoo

Amazing redneck advice: "Sometimes you just have to say fuck you to the whole world then start over like none of that shit ever mattered."

I just looked the universe in the eye and said "ok, I get it."

Turns out phone isn't broken, I am just not the center of the universe. How terribly odd.

Attention whore? No, more like attention slut. I'm giving this shit away.

High on nail varnish remover. And Shiraz. And weed.

In a chick moment, just threw out ex's band tee. Take that fucktard! Now off to hot yoga. Namaste, bitches.

Going to get a lawn chair for my shower so I can sit while I drink.

For my geeks, especially @the_marcness... http://t.co/JucaZaAA

My biggest regret in life is not fucking him when I had the chance.

Masturbaking-rubbing one in while smoking weed and eating brownies.

King bed, sheets still dryer warm, naked me, body still shower warm...glorious.

Roaches. When you just can't wait an hour for the green man.

Purple pie. It's like blue balls for the ladies.

I'm not big on the whole subtweet phenomenon, but sometimes I see a tweet and think damn, I wish that was for me.