Was asked if I have a drinking problem. I said no, I've got it figured out

My life is a Bob Ross painting, one happy accident after another

They don't care who they let in here, do they?

I'm probably already in trouble, but I can't let that stop me

I'm writing a book, I have the page numbers done

As I get drunker, I wish someone would take advantage of me

I think there's nothing a gyro can't make better

You learn things everyday. In the drive-through at McDonalds, I learned that McGriddle in Spanish is McGriddle

Now accepting applications for a stalker

Say hello to my little friend is not what you say when you show her your cock

I tried to talk to her and she just jumped on her menstrual cycle and ran me over

was unfollowed by team follow back, do I get some kind of award?

I saw a hooker on a bicycle, she pedals it all over town

I smell sex and candy here - me masturbating while eating Skittles

Sext: who is this?

There's .08 blood in my tequila

I like my Occupy My Couch movement - not only am I sticking it to the man, I am able to stream porn via AppleTV

You're warm, you're wet, I need to have my lips on you, to taste and savor you: me, to my coffee cup

if a synchronized swimmer drowns, shouldn't the others drown as well?

Congratulations @bobaloo0 on your 0 star tweet