@blakeshelton Thank you! I'm now a new fan!!! @glaad

My feet hurt, I've got a headache, and my ass is sore. If I didn't know better I'd think I had a good time last night.

Drive like ya gotta poop.

LMAO!!! “@toddrokita: DOJ wiretaps on AP reporters and #IRS attacks on free speech are prime examples of corrupt Chicago-style politics.”

I shouldn't of had that breakfast burrito. I think I see the neon light of Xanadu.

Huh. Did you know those wooden back scratcher thingy's also work as a perfect ball scratcher?

The only person I have failed is myself. Others love me for who I am. Why can't I see what they see?

Heard it's going to take 9 or 10 inches of rain to get us out of this drought. So everybody pray tonight for 9 or 10 inches. *giggles*

You people need to tweet funnier stuff. I'm running out of material.

Some of you people have way too much time on your hands.

Hello Twitter my old friend. I've come to scratch my balls with you again.

Why is it that the closer I get to Abercrombie and Fitch the more it smells like hunger and semen?

If you're a gay, Mexican teacher in Indiana... you're screwed.

I will never understand how my mother made one Kleenex tissue last all day when I've already been thru half a box already this morning.

@bmarked21 Yay! Time for naked snow angels!

@huffpostgay I unfriended a gay friend who supports Romney (and Mourdock); hid my own brother just until after the election.

I swear I do not understand drag queens with real boobs.

I'm missing my best knife. Shit. BRB. *grabs shovel*

I still can't believe John Denver is dead. Isn't he?

How can @richardmourdock keep a straight face in his "Obamacare is bad m'kay" ad filled with lies and fear-baiting? What a wackadoodle.