I had enough battery left to either call my girlfriend or send this tweet…I regret nothing.

My girlfriend is in a bad mood. Also, water is wet and fire is hot. I'll fill you in later on more things that are not fucking new.

Please keep your arms and legs inside the bipolarcoaster at all times.

My friend said she doesn't like Twitter because of all the masturbation jokes. If you think we're joking maybe you don't belong on Twitter.

I hate calling people because sometimes they answer.

How come my dog can shit on the rug in the blink of an eye but when I take hin outside to do it he has to Hammer dance for 15 minutes first?

It's not easy being sexy, that's why I just don't do it.

What I lack in physical beauty, I make up for with crippling emotional instability.

I don't understand people who favorite, retweet & mention BUT WON'T FOLLOW! That's like cheering me on while I masturbate…fucking TOUCH ME!

I like my new tweeps. I'm gonna miss y'all when you eventually unfollow me for some dumb shit that I will inevitably tweet.

I'm fucking charming.

Ladies, quick, show me your boobs! No time to explain!

Alex Trebek knows damn well he ain't got no Colonial Penn life insurance. I'll take "You're A Fucking Liar" for 1,000, Alex.

Me: That girl won't go out with me.
Lil Jon: WHAT?!
Me: Ain't that a bitch?
Lil Jon: YEAH!
Me: wanna help me slash her tires?
Lil Jon: OKAY!

My kids are doing something that I think hasn't been done since the late 1980s. They're doing what historians refer to as "playing outside."

I'm at my sexiest when I'm not paying attention walking up stairs and I do that one big horse step at the end because I think there are more

Daughter called a boy the 4th dumbest person on earth. That says, through reseach she found only 3 dumber. This was no arbitrary ranking.

I did my part as an American and I voted. I sure hope Fantasia wins.

$2 hookers get a bad rap but I think it's a hell of a bargain.

I hope to piss away the rest of my day on Twitter and YouTube. I feel like I earned it.