People who work in glass offices shouldn't sit like Sharon Stone.

If you're the type of person that gets excited about roller coasters don't be surprised when I push you down a flight of stairs.

My amazing moon pics. http://instagr.am/p/CYJ7P/

I took an upper and a downer and now I just feel normal.

Dear girl at gas station buying cigarettes in Jack Daniel's pajamas: you're doing Monday morning right.

You're not supposed to beat women when they don't respect you. You just have to give them a little love tap.

Bitches wanna see my coin purse...

I just learned when my mom was a kid, she had a pet duck that would walk to the liquor store with her to buy candy.

This explains A LOT.

I think these pain pills are for shit. But i will say this episode of Will and Grace is groundbreaking.

We don't have sex in canada we all just shake hands politely and then EVERYBODY GETS PREGNANT AS FUCK

I was going to come to work today in a big ass egg but I heard it's been done.

No point getting my girlfriend a valentines card this year,

It's not like she's old enough to read anyways.

You still have 24 hours to ditch your significant other or buy a Valentine. Choose wisely.

I applied too harvard but i didnt get in cos im dum

@le_blumpkin Just for you

The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.

There's like 20 black dudes on stage but Fergie probably has the biggest penis.

YO RETWEET IF IM UGLY

@le_blumpkin RESPONSIBILITY IS FOR FAGGOTS!

I have leather daddy issues.