4 hobos sit in a circle then I throw sandwiches in the middle and watch them attack each other for the food. I call it Hungry Hungry Hobos.

How to make a douchebag:
Step 1: Have a son.
Step 2: Name him Brody.
Step 3: Sit back and watch the magic happen.

I don't get this whole teabagging thing. I've been dipping by balls in this cup of water for 1/2 hour & now the water just tastes like ham.

Just once, I want the newscaster to sign off with "Peace out, fuckers". Then start humping the air & give a thumbs up & wink & take a shot.

They opened the tomb and were all, "Where'd he go?" and the angel said, "He's at IHOP for never-ending pancakes" and they were like, "Word."

Woke up to an empty bottle of red wine and Grimace making me an omelet. My mouth is purple. Please, God, let it be because of the wine.

I swear, I spend the better part of my day picking glitter outta my pubes.

Eating a bag of Hershey Kisses and pretending that I'm eating a bag of black lady nipples.

It's not racist because I have an erection.

Can I have ground up gold fragments in my smoothie? No? What about cocaine? Can I get cociane? No? THEN WHY THE FUCK DOES IT COST $7?

The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup.
By Folgers, I mean a wiener.
And by cup I mean butthole.

And by best, I mean surprising.

I'm up early to make my world famous blueberry muffins.

Just kidding. I got up to vomit. Now I'm just sitting on the toilet & sweating.

Me: Wanna hump?

Ladyfriend: You can't just ask me like that and expect me to be turned on.

Me: [Sexy deep voice] Would you like to hump?

The girls at Urban Outfitters look sexy in their skinny jeans, old school Madonna t-shirts, scarfs & studded belts.

Oh. Not girls. Oops.

I show my artistic expression through the clothes I wear. I call this piece "Erection in Sweatpants".

Neighborhood pool party today. I wonder who likes potato salad. And by potato salad I mean a dude in a speedo hitting on their daughters.

Phone sex. I'm gonna try to have some with the next person that calls... Oh, it's mom. Great. Well, this is gonna be awkward.

I used my new body wash today. I smell like Dawson's Creek and bisexual experimentation and college and American Eagle and awkward handjobs.

"Sometimes I imagine little Lego people inside my butthole working to push out the poop."

Things not to say at a job fair.

I would get more work done if it weren't for the 800 pound gorilla in the room. He's staring at me and mouthing, "I'm going to rape you."

Grocery shopping with the rest of the hellbound non-churchgoers. We're sampling granola out of a skull & changing expiration dates on milk.