I think the person that picked "*69" as the call back code should have won a nobel prize...

@veronicavice Fits you! pic.twitter.com/aep0LbMT

Some people collect stamps...
so what's the big deal about me collecting restraing orders?

Life was so much easier when I was young and thought the F.B.I. "Female Body Inspector" cards were just hilarious... ahh... good times.

I don't care about being rich... I just want my beer in bottles and my vodka with a cork... oh yeah, and hookers... need paid for hookers.

I'd RT you guys more often instead of just starring you but all you funny fucks follow each other and I don't want to piss off my 176 bots.

Tweeting on Favstar with no followers is like defusing a bomb... there's about 10 seconds till you see stars or oblivion.

Can there be any worse horror than a non-functioning lighter?
Well, maybe a non-functioning penis... but other than that? Absolute no...

I may be an alcoholic but it's OK, I kinda go to group meetings now... they're on Twitter... I call it Alcoholics Unanimous.

Drunk word of the day: "Copious" [koh-pee-uhs] adjective. "Last night I drank copious amounts of vodka." C.o.p.i.o.u.s.

Whoever designed this non-dump-able ash tray on this treadmill should be fired.

Hey grocery stores... we divorced guys want baby wipes and lube too... but cannot walk down that tampon aisle alone. Fix this...

So, the lady said, "The more black your dog has in it's mouth, the smarter it is."
I replied, "your daughter must be a genious."

Of course I have a Valentine's girl... she's from Niagra Falls, you wouldn't know her...

My twitter experience is a lot like HS, I may eat lunch by myself, but this cool girl occasionally gives me a hand job under the bleachers.

In 1987 I was 16 and the cops would just makes us pour out our beers when they caught us drinking & driving... the good old days.

If 2 consenting adults getting married fucks up YOUR lifestyle... then YOU'RE the one that needs to reconsider YOUR lifestyle choices.

Well my English Bulldog is officially cooler than me, he now has a tattoo and still I don't.

Ex-wife of 3 years texted to tell me she's watching Fireproof tonight...
Thanks in advance for the booty call Kirk Cameron.

I just used the phrase "way to logicize" as in, "way to use logic..." and it's now my new favorite response to my dumbass co-workers.