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I hope when I finally get Alzheimer's that people dress me in super hero costumes, you know, for the lucid moments.
I want to know where you stand on histamine are you "Pro" or "Anti"
As soon as I transform this paintball gun into a flaming balls of fury gun, the quality of life around here will improve!
It took me 14 months to walk properly after my circumcision.
I steal panties from laundrymats, not for any perverted reason, but to throw into the backseat of random cars with open windows
Note to self: "Thought of you this morning while I was peeing" NOT a good way to start a love letter
Remember when you could push a buddy into a swimming pool and not ruin $1100 worth of electronics? Funny then funnier now!
Just ran six yellow lights, using my math skills of speed, time and distance, the cop behind me has run 6 red lights.
My boss asked me if I knew how to do "the twitter" like I'm the social media mngr *my job* told him its just a bunch of pervs. Stick w FB
I can't wait until I get old enough to say in public what I type on twitter.
"YEAH, Right," the said the elusive, negative-double positive
I just checked your TL out and ended up starring and following everybody but you. Hmmm....
Me:bringing the cat to get fixed.
5yo: she doesn't look broken, did you drop her, like the baby?
When I get bored I send a text to random phone numbers, saying, I'm out of toilet paper, please bring me a roll
Me: why is the spare toilet paper in a drawer you can't reach from the toilet?
Her: that's where my mom kept it.
Me: your mom is stupid!
I've asked my daughters boyfriend to use his phone, just to watch him panic, cry and piss himself. (In public)
I have a phobia of other people with phobias
Daughter: why don't you buy yourself fitted shirts? Me: 'cause I'm fat enough all my shirts are fitted
Just programmed the TV's to switch to ESPN every 1/2 hour Mon through Fri., I dare you to save Glee again.
A male mind:
FUCK this, bitch.
Fuck, THIS bitch.
Fuck this, BITCH.
Same words but different meanings.
Not one bit concerned about my follower count, will follow you if you make me laugh
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