I walk by my boss's office & say "You're such an asshole" then point to my blue-tooth headset so he thinks I'm talking to someone else

Guy getting on elevator in my office building.." Going Down?"

Me: "No, but I've got time for a hug"

I tried to change my password to PENIS but the computer said it wasn't long enough

Just went to the mens room & came out to an empty office. Either the building is on fire or there is cake in the break room. Win/win

My wife walked in on me masturbating & screamed, "What the hell are you doing?

I knew she was dumb but this is downright embarrassing.

Good News. I found my wife's G-spot. That's how far I get before she Gags right?

My wife affectionately calls me her ”Sixty second lover”.


Its not because I cum too quickly, its because she's a whore

A day with out Twitter is like a day without Sunshine.


Who am I kidding, I never leave the house, so I have no idea if its day or night.

Does make-up sex really exist? I've been fighting with wife all weekend and still....nada.

I held open a door for a woman who didn't say Thank You.

Chivalry isn't dead but apparently politeness is.

Me: You want to go in the pool. Her: I dont know how to swim. Me: I'll show you We can do it doggy style. Her: Do you mean dog paddle Me: No

My daughter just asked to have a Tea Party w/ friends. Not sure about you but I don't recall being that involved in politics at 6 yrs old.

Based on what my daughter is doing to this blow pop, she's NEVER leaving the house.




NEVER

Wife is nagging me to work in the garden so if you need me today, I will be burying that bitch

My wife says I share way too much personal information with people I don't really know on Twitter. I disagree...Also, I'm pooping

My wife jokes about not needing me because she has her new vibrator.

But in reality, it can't kill spiders.

So I've got that going for me

I don't understand anal sex. I have yet to find a woman with a vagina big enough for my ass to fit into.

I treat people the way I like to be treated.

I ignore them.

Advice Dad gave before he died: Always wash hands thoroughly after eating hot wings


Related: My cock is on fire but likely tastes awesome

I lost my wedding ring. So my wife told me to backtrack to where I had it last Then she gives me shit for fingering her mom. Women are crazy