The USA men have the "Dream Team" and the USA women have the "Oh my god, I have to tell you about my dream, team."

If you're on the fence, Game of Thrones just had a dude bone a lady in the bathtub as he recited names of dragons.

I'm from the generation where when someone says "forever" you say "forevah evah?"

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

Nobody sleeps more soundly than a cartoon sheriff with a ring of keys hanging from his pocket.

I wish I lived in the 1950's, because I have a few songs I want to record about my postman.

Let's start calling it up-syndrome! Get people pumped!

I help old ladies at the crosswalk by patting them on the back and saying "just do whatever you did to get to the crosswalk."

Apple cobbler? Uh, no thanks. If I need shoes made for my apples I'll buy them at the mall where they're cheaper. I'm not an idiot.

FACT: If 3 ladies are drinking and 1 of them drops something, 1 lady will go "ok, you're cut off!" And they all will laugh.

Did N.W.A ever end up getting to have sex with the police?

Talking is a lot of pressure because you can literally say anything.

I was pumped about today! Then I found out some friends on facebook wish it was still the weekend. Now I'm bumming pretty hard.

Here's a line for when a cop asks if you know why he pulled you over: "Honestly, I practically don't even give a care."

My main move is to say "long story short," but then hit you with long story medium.

Just egged my own house. Fuck you, me!

Do girls who have more guy friends than girl friends ever talk about it?

Ladies, it only takes three beers to get this hug machine started.

Me and my wife are playing a dangerous game of chicken with the last roll of tp. But I have a secret. I'll shit in the shower.

Today's a day where you dump clean laundry on the bed, then take a nap in it and pretend the laundry's your family and loves you.