The owner of the Piano Man bar should've kicked out the old man who was fucking a gin & tonic.

The USA men have the "Dream Team" and the USA women have the "Oh my god, I have to tell you about my dream, team."

I can't believe horsepower is a car thing and not a game played by 9-yr-old girls.

At this point, Reebok should just market themselves as a lawnmower shoe company.

Breadsticks are the most perfectly named food.

I think even chickens are surprised when people eat them for breakfast.

If bears were allowed to name themselves, I truly feel in my heart that they'd go with "bears."

Mayonnaise is named exactly right.

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

God Bless America. Or at least just God don't bless Peru.

I heard you can smell Abercrombie & Fitch stores from space.

Apple cobbler? Uh, no thanks. If I need shoes made for my apples I'll buy them at the mall where they're cheaper. I'm not an idiot.

You never want to be described as "the kind of guy who uses a hairdryer."

Did N.W.A ever end up getting to have sex with the police?

Ladies, it only takes three beers to get this hug machine started.

It's to the point where Elliott Smith is the only thing I will listen to while hand washing my sweaters.

Poor people eat omega 1's.

My girlfriend is out of town, so I have no idea when to go to bed.

Anytime I'm sad, I remember that some guy at TNT is about to greenlight the crime drama that will change everything.

Mom thinks crab cakes at this place will be big. Grandma doesn't. Mom says for $14.50, she's sure they will be big. Grandma holds firm.