Smiles are contagious, which is probably why they make such good weapons.

Oh hey, a ladder. Nope, I'll just pass right on by and fall down 5 stories ON A SNAKE. This board game is bullshit.

"The bigger they are, the harder they fall," applies to hearts too.

You often can't send a man to do a man's job either, so basically just don't expect people to be able to do jobs.

Ed had infiltrated the hive, wooed the queen and entered the honey-vault, but the drones were coming and he needed to look busy... as a bee.

I'd get lost in thought more if not for the wolves in there.

If someone has to earn your kindness, your kindness is worthless.

If orgasm ice-cream is invented, the size of the scoop you get should be proportional to how loud you ask for it.

So my cat loves pineapple. This is great news for if I ever just give up on life and start giving my cat blowjobs. <crossing fingers>

Quantum theory makes a great distraction. Example: Until you open the fridge to check, your beer both has and has not been drunk by me.

I don't want to be around when Big Bird hits puberty.

In his defence your honour, when my client ripped out the victim's spine he was provoked by a loud, narrated, "Finish him."

As a male I think I'd be into trying breast feeding, but what do breasts eat?

Ducks can not be pleased with how they are portrayed in cartoons.

And with a backwards laconic smile, she boarded the plane and flew out of my life forever. That is why I hate planes. That, and Starscream.

As they sank into the tar pits, I bet one of the dinosaurs blew bubbles like in milk, and they all had good laugh over how silly it all was.

Killing someone softly with your song is a huge time commitment, you guys. Be aware that starvation is going to be way more likely.

For a sperm, the light at the end of the tunnel is a really bad thing.

Tragically, childbearing does not involve bears unless you are a bear.

Inspiration is the thing poking us in the arm saying, "Look at me, asshole," to which we respond, "No, I've got to go find you someplace."