By the time women find out the 'gated community' I've been living in is prison...it'll be too late

HIV sounds so scary, I prefer the term 'Magic Blood'

I think Cameron Diaz needs to apologize to the poor 12yr old boy she stole her tits from

I eat pussy like it was steak & lobster...not very often because it's way too expensive

This porno is horrible, no wonder it went straight to dvd

One man's trash is another man's piece of ass. Shout out to my ex's new boyfriend. Garbage picker.

Why the fuck does my breath smell like dog shit? Oh yeah...

I'm sick & tired of girls assuming I'm Australian just because my dick looks like a boomerang

@halfjewhalfmisc some girls use old coconut shells for bikini tops. You are more of a two thimbles & some fishing line kind of girl.

I almost lost my shit today talking with a blind guy. I asked "How are things going?" he replied "I've seen better days" LOL No You Haven't!

I wish all the police tape surrounding my house had something to do with halloween

I'm sorry my sex offends you.

"I am whore, hear me roar!'

Well, this can go one of two ways... Either I can be the bigger person & just walk away or fuck my drunk flirty cousin without a rubber

Whenever I feel like a failure, I look up Mark Wahlberg's movie career on imdb & life doesn't seem so bad.

You call it 'unlawful imprisonment' I call it 'first date'

"So you say you're allergic to condoms & that's just really bad razor burn?" -Me about to get herpes-

"@oozycooze: I am a 12 year old boy." So do you like videogames & stuff? (legs crossed to hide boner from other people on bus)

I'm about as interested in work today as Casey Anthony was in parenting

When we have sex, my wife tells me how she can't get enough of that 'Big Dick'. Unfortunately I'm Asian, so that makes her a cheating WHORE