Lego people hands make them look like they're always ready to drink up or jerk off.

My separation from Twitter was hardly as successful as my divorce.

What made me think death was gonna be any easier?

When I explained Twitter to my mother she said, "Sounds like group therapy where no one's getting better." Well played, Mom. Well played.

Today I feel new inspiration bubbling up inside of me.

LOLJK

It's only gas.

I'm dead inside.

I’ll bet that when Billy Baldwin has sex, even he fantasizes that he’s Alec.

The woman who injected her 8 year-old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody. The child didn't look surprised.

Enrique Iglesias made 13 million dollars last year… which means it must cost 14 million dollars to remove a giant mole from your face.

When I explained Twitter to my mother she said, "Sounds like group therapy where no one's getting better." Well played, Mom. Well played.

If you want to make a long story short, just shut up already.

Never had a MySpace. Never had a FaceBook. Twitter is my first and only. I feel like a virgin who went straight to anal.

I don’t need coffee to make me interesting. I need coffee to make you interesting.

A break-up is a lot like puking. You fight it as long as you can, it's a painful mess when you do, but it usually makes you feel better.

When sung by 60 nine year-olds, “Feliz Navidad” also means, “Please god, make it stop.”

It seems to me, you lived your life like a candle in the wind. Me, I’m more like a blunt in a breezy hallway.

And sometimes, I’m just a boy, standing in front of a fridge, asking who fucking forgot to buy milk on the way home.

I have learned that the best revenge I can have is to simply not give a fuck.

I’m off to jury duty today. It’s like a school dance where, even though your mom says you have to be there, you hope no one talks to you.

Being a teacher has confirmed my supposition that some people are born to be a dick, while others have dickiness thrust upon them.

I’m too tired to be funny today; on other days, I am too busy, angry, or unfunny.