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Hey girl. Are you the vestigial teeth and finger bones from the twin I absorbed in the womb? 'Cause I've got you under my skin.
The only clean mug in the office kitchen was a "KEEP CALM" one. I am sipping my coffee from cupped, scalded hands.
Can I boycott the Winter Olympics out of principle but still watch the luge?
It's a slippery slope.
TV PITCH: Glue Your Bum Shut! Dave Benson Phillips hosts this lively—yet almost impossibly irresponsible—Saturday morning children's show.
You know how to whistle, don't you? You just mix 6oz flour, 6oz sugar, 6oz butter, 3 eggs and no wait this is Victoria sponge isn't it?
1) PUT CREME EGG IN FREEZER
3) EGG IS FROZEN
4) SLICE EGG
5) CONSUME SLICES
*looks around under-staffed theatre section of a bookshop*
"More like DEARTH of a Salesman"
*high-fives everyone in town*
Hey gurl, are u the Oculus Rift? Cuz last time I was in you I screamed and felt ill, but now I kinda want another go and you're unavailable
TV PITCH: Can't Scream, Won't Scream - A malevolent computer renders Ainsley Harriott into a grotesque cube of flesh which knows only pain.
Is there a word for the way your face immediately drops after smiling at office 'banter'? The way all life vanishes once no one is looking?
It is 2014. This is beyond staggering. People are returning food to foodbanks because _they can't afford to heat it_ http://www.leftfootforward.org/2014/02/people-taking-food-back-to-foodbanks-because-they-cant-afford-gas-to-heat-it/ …
Petition to rename seals "Basically wet bears"
SEXT: I come like the effects of aging. Almost imperceptibly slowly, but with a crushing finality and sense of loss.
"Dammit. I can't remember the surname of Chandler from Friends."
"Fuck off. I'll use Google if I'm that bothered."
Rebrand bats "velvet jetmice"
Hey girl, are U an ambulatory collection of meat & bone & hair & nails & fluids that's doomed to rot? Cuz I am and it's right shitting me up
Actor. Writer. Comedian. Wizard. Blond floppsy one from @BetaMalesComedy (http://www.thebetamales.com). Half of @foodpit & unusually vulgar future skeleton
Stats can't be shown as @Brainmage has never signed in to Favstar.