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Hey girl. Are you the vestigial teeth and finger bones from the twin I absorbed in the womb? 'Cause I've got you under my skin.
I might start a company selling Femfresh-type cockwash for BLOKES. It'll be called SHAFTSMASH and smell of DIESEL and PUNCHING and BEARS.
Starting to wish I'd never tattooed the letter "Þ" on that piece of murine leather. It's been a thorn in mice hide ever since.
The only clean mug in the office kitchen was a "KEEP CALM" one. I am sipping my coffee from cupped, scalded hands.
The endless black
Time has stopped
The earth long gone
Yet space expands
TODAY'S BIG QUESTION: Depression, or simply a reasonable reaction to the accumulation of your life choices up to this point?
The blood vessels are full of tiny wooden shoes!
Looks like his arteries
Doctor please a man has died
In the Cotswolds
A mini break
Rents a car
Climbs a hill
And drinks too much
Gets in a fight
Can I boycott the Winter Olympics out of principle but still watch the luge?
It's a slippery slope.
Hey gurl, are you a massive panic attack? Cuz I'm gonna have you in the stationery cupboard.
You know how to whistle, don't you? You just mix 6oz flour, 6oz sugar, 6oz butter, 3 eggs and no wait this is Victoria sponge isn't it?
Paints his house
The shade was wrong
He starts again
How did life get like this
"Wow! You look like a million bucks!"
*1000s of tiny deer burst from the trenchcoat, scattering into the night*
TV PITCH: Glue Your Bum Shut! Dave Benson Phillips hosts this lively—yet almost impossibly irresponsible—Saturday morning children's show.
Writer/Comedian/Wizard. Gangly one in @BetaMalesComedy (http://www.thebetamales.com). Half of @foodpit, Videogame Guy @ #go8bit & host of The Game That Got Away
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