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Hey girl. Are you the vestigial teeth and finger bones from the twin I absorbed in the womb? 'Cause I've got you under my skin.
I might start a company selling Femfresh-type cockwash for BLOKES. It'll be called SHAFTSMASH and smell of DIESEL and PUNCHING and BEARS.
The only clean mug in the office kitchen was a "KEEP CALM" one. I am sipping my coffee from cupped, scalded hands.
TODAY'S BIG QUESTION: Depression, or simply a reasonable reaction to the accumulation of your life choices up to this point?
The blood vessels are full of tiny wooden shoes!
Looks like his arteries
Doctor please a man has died
Can I boycott the Winter Olympics out of principle but still watch the luge?
It's a slippery slope.
You know how to whistle, don't you? You just mix 6oz flour, 6oz sugar, 6oz butter, 3 eggs and no wait this is Victoria sponge isn't it?
"Wow! You look like a million bucks!"
*1000s of tiny deer burst from the trenchcoat, scattering into the night*
TV PITCH: Glue Your Bum Shut! Dave Benson Phillips hosts this lively—yet almost impossibly irresponsible—Saturday morning children's show.
Petition to rename gyms "Burly Learning Centres"
1) PUT CREME EGG IN FREEZER
3) EGG IS FROZEN
4) SLICE EGG
5) CONSUME SLICES
*looks around under-staffed theatre section of a bookshop*
"More like DEARTH of a Salesman"
*high-fives everyone in town*
Hey gurl, are u the Oculus Rift? Cuz last time I was in you I screamed and felt ill, but now I kinda want another go and you're unavailable
TV PITCH: Can't Scream, Won't Scream - A malevolent computer renders Ainsley Harriott into a grotesque cube of flesh which knows only pain.
Quiet please. I'm about to clear my throat and cough up a sewn and narrowly-folded piece of fabric.
Actor. Writer. Comedian. Wizard. Blond floppsy one from @BetaMalesComedy (http://www.thebetamales.com). Half of @foodpit & unusually vulgar future skeleton
Stats can't be shown as @Brainmage has never signed in to Favstar.