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Hey girl. Are you the vestigial teeth and finger bones from the twin I absorbed in the womb? 'Cause I've got you under my skin.
The only clean mug in the office kitchen was a "KEEP CALM" one. I am sipping my coffee from cupped, scalded hands.
Can I boycott the Winter Olympics out of principle but still watch the luge?
It's a slippery slope.
You know how to whistle, don't you? You just mix 6oz flour, 6oz sugar, 6oz butter, 3 eggs and no wait this is Victoria sponge isn't it?
*looks around under-staffed theatre section of a bookshop*
"More like DEARTH of a Salesman"
*high-fives everyone in town*
Hey gurl, are u the Oculus Rift? Cuz last time I was in you I screamed and felt ill, but now I kinda want another go and you're unavailable
TV PITCH: Can't Scream, Won't Scream - A malevolent computer renders Ainsley Harriott into a grotesque cube of flesh which knows only pain.
Is there a word for the way your face immediately drops after smiling at office 'banter'? The way all life vanishes once no one is looking?
It is 2014. This is beyond staggering. People are returning food to foodbanks because _they can't afford to heat it_ http://www.leftfootforward.org/2014/02/people-taking-food-back-to-foodbanks-because-they-cant-afford-gas-to-heat-it/ …
SEXT: I come like the effects of aging. Almost imperceptibly slowly, but with a crushing finality and sense of loss.
"Thanks, I'm eating for two..."
*pats penis fondly*
*penis curls around forearm, purring contentedly*
Fucking soho. If it looks like a cafe it's a hairdressers & if it looks like a hairdressers it's a shitting "repurposed clown nose boutique"
"I'm thinking of starting a business where I perform fellatio for opium"
"Oooh! Good name!"
I always wanted to win at sports day. Fred, Daphne & Velma wld beat me. I would've gotten away with it if it wasn't for those medalling kids
TV PITCH: Danny Dyer's Choir Pyre. Songs of Praise meets human sacrifice as the megacockney incinerates singing boys for literally no reason
Actor. Writer. Comedian. Wizard. Blond floppsy one from @BetaMalesComedy (http://www.thebetamales.com). Half of @foodpit & unusually vulgar future skeleton