Right. Time to USE twitter. This cat is #lost. Last seen in West Hill, #Putney. She has a red collar with our number. http://t.co/ukoTshVL

Say what you like about the @guardian, but when they get it right, they _really_ get it right. pic.twitter.com/hhdiZeka

The Guardian have got it right with their #reshuffle coverage. I mean *really?* Hunt as Health Secretary? http://t.co/u1kaGZKv

I might start a company selling Femfresh-type cockwash for BLOKES. It'll be called SHAFTSMASH and smell of DIESEL and PUNCHING and BEARS.

We're doomed. pic.twitter.com/x774d06g

PRETEND you're not a fragile heap of bone & meat & lusts & teeth & hair by putting on a suit & going to work like it's totally OK @twoptwips

Philip Davies thinks disabled people should work below minimum wage. I think Philip Davies should work below a cage of incontinent elephants

No. Noooo. This can;t be true. It's too good: http://t.co/H7lDVNTQ (ht @superretroid )

As ever, the @guardian are at the top of their game: pic.twitter.com/PRWi9kdFFw

Decided. I'm going to get a tattoo of a QR code. It's going to point to a website which reads "I AM A HORRIBLY SHORT-SIGHTED HUMAN BEING"

The FUCK is this?? Is this some kid of sick fucking joke?? FUCK. http://t.co/Vsa3nuJG

Hey. Dork friends. Want an interactive googlemap of the Roman Empire at its peak? 'COURSE YOU FACKIN' DO http://t.co/az2CtG7O

"Yo, I think my eel is sick." - Vin Diesel looking at a running garden hose. #VinDieselSunday

Well that was horrible. I wouldn't recommend it. pic.twitter.com/Tv19Zl0y

FROZEN snakes make great snooker cues for when you want to limit your child's time at the table (@twoptwips)

I'd like to try and arrange an orgy but I have this horrible suspicion that it would just end up like a 'game over' in Tetris.

"Yo, man. The air's gone hard." - Vin Diesel after walking into a window. #VinDieselSunday

Disgusted by this? pic.twitter.com/lwRHWtpL Write to the manufacturers:  http://www.cdrex.com/arnold-barton-cards-limited-486092.html … (I'm going to!) (@cheesyhel @lynncschreiber)

"There are no easy ways to reduce the deficit" TRY MAYBE MAKING ENORMOUS INTERNATIONAL CORPORATIONS PAY THEIR FUCKING TAX, YOU DEAD-EYED RAT

@mrnickharvey @mooseallain This is the most beautiful Jurassic Park theme and I shall hear nothing to the contrary: https://t.co/nBPuNZmI