Love how hipster girls be shaving the side of their head looking like they just had a sexy ass brain surgery get well soon, girl!

Gonna use this Obamacare to get some sweet ass robot arms

"Their first album was better," he awkwardly mumbled, as he came all over her stupid bangs - excerpt from my novel of hipster erotica

LAST SCENE OF "THE DARK KNIGHT RISES" http://t.co/TV5gnr58

Alcoholism is so much cuter when you call it "brunch"

I was on a podcast once so don't even fucking look at me.

You hate avocados? You do? Well, I hate music and pancakes and sunshine and baby laughter AND NOW WE ARE BOTH SAYING RIDICULOUS THINGS!

Easy Mac is a fast, fun affordable meal for the kids you don't love

Shout out to all they hipster girls with dad calves that be dressing like Paddington Bear when it aineven be rainy out.

I'm on this new diet where I literally murder people.

Wikipedia is down so I guess I'll have to find out what the maximum circumference of a human anus is the old fashioned way.

Bad day? Try to remember that literally no one gives a shit.

What's that one Florence & The Machine song that's all like "ooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOaaaaaa oooh ooooooooooooooOOOooooh?"

Hey "Full House!" If Danny Tanner is such a good dad then how come his wife is dead?

RT if you've fucked Jeff Goldblum

Is everybody doing ok and if so how and why?

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck" - dope ass Rhett Butler

Saw Jonathan Taylor Thomas at Trader Joe's buying popcorn so buy their popcorn it's probably amazing if Jay Tay Duece is doing it. Endorsed

Baby thought I couldn't put his whole baby foot in my mouth but then I did and baby was all like "Fuuuuck the world is so scary!"

I pretty much rue every day, sir