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No, it's not how many dudes you slept with that make me unable to ever, ever respect you. It's which ones.
My Wife Rocks. My Kids Rock. Sobriety Rocks. Plymouth Rock. Igneous Rocks. Sedimentary Rock. Butt Rock. Whiskey on the Rocks...
If you're doing it right, every yoga pose can be called "Passive Aggressive Hate Monster."
Let's all learn ASL so we can talk over the loud fucking music at parties! And raise deaf orphans!
Pretty much done!
I'm drunk and it's great.
"I can't finish this whole pizza" is such a sober thing to say.
"You look like a little girl who's trying to dress like a whore but she doesn't have the right clothes." -Someone who supposedly loves you
Pitch: Google Alerts. Famous people put their name into it so they can pick fights with tweeters who reference them in a joke.
My favorite boy's names are also verbs, like Wade, Rob, Mark, Pierce, Uncover, and Insert.
Do not wear silk to a Bruce Springsteen concert. The tears won't wash out! Awwwww alright wear it
I am in one of those gross moods where I love everyone. Let me know if you need a compliment.
The only item on my bucket list is for Clive Owen to call me a filthy slag.
It's impossible for me to get drunk and not explain in excruciating detail how Buffy changed my life.
Can't really think of anything worse that could happen than getting pummeled with fistfuls of cold sauerkraut.
Coffee gives me the anxiety, shaky hands, and stomach cramps I need to get through my day.
I hope you know how much I care about our friendship if I still follow you even though you use hashtags.
I can tell when I'm around normal people because I can't stop thinking "What the fuck is going on?"
"Hey, life is stranger than fiction, man." America elects a fat horse president. Everyone starts eating their own shit. Shut up.
I'm a writer from MTV's Ridiculousness and I can suck my own butt.