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Bey-ounce: unit of measure derived from "jelly/(x)ready=number of rings on it", where x=the volume of licious displaced by one's booty
Waiting for the moment life takes off her glasses & ponytail.
I hope you knew how much you meant to millions of people, funny man. It might not have kept you here, but goddamnit I hope you knew it.
From now on I will refer to my period as pouring one out for my homies.
MR. GORBACHEV, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL! AND THEN PICK IT UP PICK IT UP PICK IT UP, BOIIIIIIII #RONALDREGGAE
Hey fellas, wanna know how to win a gal's heart?Learn how to take even an IOTA of thoughtgul criticism without becoming a garbage monster.
I bet even Zooey Deschanel's 9/11 story is whimsical as fuck.
Saying you're "young at heart" just means you're old and still don't have your shit together.
"Fuck the police" she said, in the most tired, disappointed tone.
Hoodies are "asking for it" about as much as dresses are.
I bet Mitt Romney's sons are all Horcruxes.
This kid in his high school improv varsity jacket carrying around a samurai sword is going to be such a big deal on Twitter.
I want my next apartment to be a bread bowl.
It's Election Eve, not Election Steve.
I'm a real sweet heart. Probably from all the high fructose corn syrup. Stand up comic, host of @PictureThisShow & @Lady2LadyComedy on http://MaximumFun.org
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