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We're all forgetting that Prince Harry basically just became Scar from the Lion King.
Bey-ounce: unit of measure derived from "jelly/(x)ready=number of rings on it", where x=the volume of licious displaced by one's booty
Waiting for the moment life takes off her glasses & ponytail.
From now on I will refer to my period as pouring one out for my homies.
MR. GORBACHEV, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL! AND THEN PICK IT UP PICK IT UP PICK IT UP, BOIIIIIIII #RONALDREGGAE
I bet even Zooey Deschanel's 9/11 story is whimsical as fuck.
Hoodies are "asking for it" about as much as dresses are.
I want my next apartment to be a bread bowl.
I bet Mitt Romney's sons are all Horcruxes.
It's Election Eve, not Election Steve.
2013: the year we force women in Texas to have babies so people in Florida can use them for target practice without consequence.
Most comedians jokes should just end with "Right, Dad? Dad?"
Gonna have a lot of fun when I'm 80 telling children I'm "older than internet".
"So... is The Phone still red?" - small talk amongst Presidents
My kale smoothie brings all the boys who are still scared of their fathers & make up for it by dressing like 80's coke pirates to the yard.
A moment of silence please, for the karaoke hosts of the world tonight. #WhitneyHouston
Smartphones are fun cuz you can fuck around on them until you pass out from exhaustion & you never have to be alone with your thoughts LOL
The way some people sing You Oughtta Know at karaoke, you'd think Dave Coulier had wronged half of Los Angeles.
I'm a real sweet heart. Probably from all the high fructose corn syrup. Stand up comic, host of @PictureThisShow & @Lady2LadyComedy on http://MaximumFun.org