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We're all forgetting that Prince Harry basically just became Scar from the Lion King.
Bey-ounce: unit of measure derived from "jelly/(x)ready=number of rings on it", where x=the volume of licious displaced by one's booty
Waiting for the moment life takes off her glasses & ponytail.
I hope you knew how much you meant to millions of people, funny man. It might not have kept you here, but goddamnit I hope you knew it.
From now on I will refer to my period as pouring one out for my homies.
MR. GORBACHEV, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL! AND THEN PICK IT UP PICK IT UP PICK IT UP, BOIIIIIIII #RONALDREGGAE
Saying you're "young at heart" just means you're old and still don't have your shit together.
I bet even Zooey Deschanel's 9/11 story is whimsical as fuck.
Hoodies are "asking for it" about as much as dresses are.
I bet Mitt Romney's sons are all Horcruxes.
I want my next apartment to be a bread bowl.
It's MrsCarriage, thank you very much.
It's Election Eve, not Election Steve.
2013: the year we force women in Texas to have babies so people in Florida can use them for target practice without consequence.
Most comedians jokes should just end with "Right, Dad? Dad?"
Gonna have a lot of fun when I'm 80 telling children I'm "older than internet".
I'm a real sweet heart. Probably from all the high fructose corn syrup. Stand up comic, host of @PictureThisShow & @Lady2LadyComedy on http://MaximumFun.org