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Why is it so warm outside but freezing inside my apartment? Why am I living in a giant microwave burrito?
Starbucks: come for the coffee, stay for the old ladies with way too many plastic bags.
Seriously, though, only psychopaths prefer solid chocolate Easter bunnies.
I'm white I ride a bicycle doo dee doo doo dum da dee - this one guy who just passed me.
Horse is dog for giant.
The best way to tell if it's a real Louis Vuitton purse is if it's attached to a fake person
Dear Diary: its been 121 days since my last favstar TOTD trophy. I grow weaker by the moment. Losing will to live. Am I funny? I do not know
The problem with condoms is by the time I get the darn things open the moment is ruined and I don’t feel like making balloon animals anymore
Everyone has a story. No one wants to hear it.
Related: how do you cook peas?
It's the one-year anniversary of my butt being attacked by a cactus in Arizona. Please adjust your avatar colors accordingly.
how do i keep being everything good
Appropriation of Native American culture is my spirit animal.
christ. i cannot stop saying benedict cumberbatch to the tune of photograph by nickelback now