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I want to make a 50,000 piece puzzle, and when you finish it, it's a picture of you putting together the puzzle.
Yeah, I'm a rebel. <sneezes into oscillating fan>
And for my next trick, watch as I render myself sexually invisible to a room full of women, by calling a Kleenex, "tissue".
I guess I'd be as enthusiastic as vegan bloggers are if all I did all day was make green smoothies and jump into the air on the beach
Shakespeare invented the words "gloomy" "arouse" "madcap" "lonely" "swag" "swerve" "bongwater" "og kush" "surfbort" "adele dazeem" & many mo
How many Batman stories did Shakespeare write? Zero? Loser.
We don't really eat spiders while we're sleeping. They mostly just crawl slowly across our faces, laughing and twirling their mustaches.
The best way to save a tree is introduce them to their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
I used to come to twitter just for laughs, but it's evolved into an amazing place I come to feel angry and nauseous.
Heaven Is Feral
TIP FOR AVOIDING MOTION SICKNESS: Never go anywhere
Goonies 2? More like Goonie Stew! Because that's what it sounds like out loud. I am such a fresh voice in comedy.
Celebrate Earth Day by holding in your poop until tomorrow.