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I hope Katy Perry is enjoying her one firework today.
Sometimes I have this sexual fantasy where people ask me "so what do you do?" and I'm not embarrassed to answer.
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, and in my guacamole recipe.
This year's bestselling fireworks:
Scream-crying Drunk Mom
Brian Johnson's Flare Gun
Uncle Alfred's Whining Flatulence
I cannot wait for the Edward Snowden movie. I hope I get to see him eat lunch at a Potbelly
Wait. Are you quoting a guy who is quoting you? Who does that? I mean. I just. What the hell is going on? https://twitter.com/realdonaldtrump/status/617178533065064448 …
GO LOOK IT UP I'M DOING STUFF HERE https://twitter.com/lolalux/status/617178086631714818 …
It's so hot in Portland I saw someone with a tank top over their scarf over their vest like some kind of fashion turducken
breast-having humans: it's good for your Secondary Sex Organs to go braless & to moisturize but do this for Your Health not for Their Boners
Sure "ghosting" is bad, but consider the painful alternative: being in a loving relationship with someone who wants to talk to you.
My fictional 4 y.o. son, Brayden, asked me, "Mommy, am I vaccinated?" "Of course you are," I spat. "How do you think you got the autism?"
I'm just like you — I get out of bed at 11:30 every day and put my kimono on one arm at a time
Dear Dudes Who Post "Don't Skip Leg Day" Pics of Unsuspecting Guys at the Gym: Be nice. You've likely skipped abs day every day for years.
Fox News just ran the banner headline "COUSINS BORN HOURS APART," which could've been shortened to "SORRY, NO NEWS."
I know he's dead but steve jobs? Name shoulda been steve careers. RIP in peace to him.
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