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Nothing like getting the kids dinner at bed time
"Gravitational forces are physical, physical." -Isaac Newton-John
Hey sorry I can't make it to your thing tonight I JUST remembered that I'm ugly.
All this nice cool weather we've been having in California really keeps dog turds fresh
If you're wondering whether I am a delightful wife, I just burped into my husband's face and told him to "guess the vitamin".
Wedding Attire Question: Should I tuck my hoodie into my sweatpants?
Pretend your Christmas tree is your wife. Dress her up. Go all out. Be the best husband you can be.
"I ain't afraid of no ghosts!" boasted Ray Parker Jr. But then one day he awoke & saw, floating above him, RAY PARKER SENIOR!!!
I think I still have my parents convinced that Snap, Crackle, and Pop are names of characters in The Wire.
Rick Santorum compared Obamacare to apartheid, but in his defense, he is a carcinogenic meat lump growing on a soulless skeletal frame.
My husband is away for the weekend but he told me he'd call me when he was in Charlotte. Wait a second...
My favorite part of the Christmas season is drinking cough syrup alone in my basement while my dog humps a disheveled stuffed beaver.
I went into an AOL chat room 25 years ago and a guy's screen name was NotaSerialKiller. I think about that every day.
I admire politicians. Mostly for not caring that people don't admire them. I think that's admirable.
Every time a list comes out and I'm not on it, I throw a candelabra through my stained glass window.
When someone calls you very photogenic, they're really saying that you look ugly in person.
Vocal Director, Guitarist: http://allthatjazzbigband.com, Bean Paste