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Cat just brought me a mouse. I'm surrounded by psychopaths.
Hello, Brooklyn 911, what's your problem?
aw shit the club can't handle my dance moves right now b/c it's an old bldg that prob wasn't brought up to code after the Northridge quake
Hey Twitter, just double-checking, we're all doing this to contribute to the global conversation, not for vague promotional gain, right?
Sorry I don't get your Space Jam jokes I'm 36 years old
I like men.
this tweet goes out to everyone i ever said "we should get together some time" to bc youre all dead now that was 100 years ago
*low key listens to nothing but tori amos for rest of life*
is it halloween yet
Please do not fill my cows up with helium, they will float away, I need my cows
*still doesn't get joke formats*
Who called it a mammogram and not a breast exam?!?
Last night I learnt how to make hand cuffs using a phone charger.
Today I went shopping for a new phone charger.
I sure will miss wondering if I will ever be on Letterman.
One small step for man, one enormous leap for the man with freakishly long legs.
Prostitution, but instead you scratch my bug bites.
Musician/Comedian/Teacher/Director This account is used for humor. I'm sorry, Mom.
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