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*carefully shits pants*
*accepts someone's friend request*
*spends 5 minutes looking at new friend's profile*
*spends 20 minutes looking at own profile*
What's it like to have friends still laugh during your live shows? I mean have friends still come to your live shows? I mean have friends?
just flew in from new york & boy have my 30's been painful!
"It's scary when women are old!" - Game Of Thrones, The Witch, The Shining, American Horror Story Season 1, Donald Trump
The atoms that make up our brains are billions of years old so no wonder we feel tired.
opinions are like orgasms, my wife hasn't had a good one in years
purchasing some cellulite just to prepare me for summer
Wife: There's over 100 Amazon Dash buttons.
Me: At least there's not one for Fleshlight.
Wife: What's Fleshlight?
Me: What? Uh, nothing.
"They're after us! How do we part the Red Sea?"
*grabs petition clipboard*
MOSES: Scuse me do you have a moment
*Red Sea parts*
Ben Carson seems like he's not very good at being a person.
I made a pact with my best friend that if neither of us were married or had kids before 40, we would high-five each other like crazy.
Musician, Teacher, Improviser
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