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Forgot my lunch at home so my mom has to drive her breast here.
Spelling bee finalist: "Can you use the word a sentence?"
Me: "Would you be more impressed if I used it... IN A RAP?!"
The decorative house plant in your living room is actually trying to sleep with your wife
I really enjoyed "$900 live-action Schoolhouse Rock" I mean "Hamilton"
90% of dating profiles now = someone trying to quantify exactly how much of a nerd/geek/dork they are.
KNOW YOUR QUANTUM PHYSICS: If time ran backwards, dudes on Twitter would be *psyched* about the all-male remake of "Ghostbusters".
Dying alone, failure, bears, dying not alone, seeing someone I know in CVS & them finding out how many prescriptions I'm on
The Bachelorette gets much easier to watch if you change the channel.
Sony Picture’s movie “Angry Birds” has made over $39 million dollars. It’s doing so much better than their other app. related movie “Zoosk”.
Sometimes I think the future is bleak and I'm deeply frightened by everything & other times I'm on too much Xanax to know where I am.
"Preaching to the choir" is a cool phrase but what about "bringing a rocking chair to the beach"?
If you ever feel bad just remember what it feels like to feel good and then feel that way
I *think* I just saw an ad for a play called "The Hotline Always Blings Twice" and if I didn't, I'm proud of my brain for making it up.
My vasectomy got a standing ovation
My doctor asked if I'm sexually active. I said yes and we high-fived. This is a true story.
I wonder what all the losers who have social lives are doing tonight? Definitely not sitting alone on my couch, I'll tell you that much.
Musician, Teacher, Improviser
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