A "health nut" is when you cum inside a vegan.

Doggy Style would be a great name for a pet grooming business.

Would someone please quit feeding Lil Wayne after midnight!

I wonder if your fingers would look the same way after groping Snooki as they do when you eat Doritos?

My therapist told me to go to my happy place, but threw me out when I put my hand down my pants.

Has anyone seen Morgan Freeman as a young man? I swear he was born middle-aged.

I'm so straight that when I had Flinstone's vitamins as a kid, I'd only eat Wilma and Betty.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped.

One day, b.c. will mean "before computers."

Who's the bigger prick, the guy wearing his shades inside or the one taking up 2 spaces with his Hummer? Nevermind, it's the same idiot!

My mom asked me who Kim Kardashian was. After thinking about it for a few seconds, I replied, "Nobody."

I didn't realize quite how warped my mind was until I started tweeting.

Is going down on a vegetarian considered eating healthy?

I once got a handy in the back of a Chrystler. Does that count as being carjacked?

Prison rape is always funny...except when you're in prison...being raped.

Kim Kardashian's marriage ended right on time. Now NBA players have something to do during the lock out.

Making eye contact with a girl giving me head is a bit weird. But, then I figure why feel awkward, she's the one with my junk in her mouth.

I like to tweet from favstar because you press "publish" when you're ready; that's probably the only way I'll ever be published.

If Dikembe Mutombo jumped out of nowhere and blocked a piece of trash I was throwing away, it would scare the shit out of me.

I recently had my first prostate exam. I guess it went okay...at no point were both the doctors hands on my shoulders.