These notebooks need to move on with their lives. Yeah "College Ruled", get over it. You're in the real world now.

The last thing I need is a coffin.

I'd like to fire the staff of writers that come up with my dreams. It's like season 26 and I still have no idea what's going on.

The most romantic thing I've ever done is get a girl's name tattooed on my grandpa.

I got like 7 phone numbers over the weekend. 10 if you count the area code.

I'm the proud owner of 1 praying mantis for as long as he can hold on to the windshield while I'm driving.

We can't be friends if you've ever slam-dunked someone's decapitated head. That's the rule.

R.I.P. people who were inside of a vehicle when it became a transformer.

"Mark my words..." - A guy to a highlighter

Whales must see jumbo jets flying in the sky and be like, "oh shit, that's probably what I'm gonna evolve into."

I hate the guy who invented running.

Sometimes I'll cabbage patch too hard and punch a hole in the fabric of time.

I don't drive a cool car as much as I drive a fast garbage can.

I still double-click my mouse. The first one's for all my dead homies.

Cars should quit showing off and just let dogs catch them.

I can't understand half the things bilingual people say.

I hate you mom and dad! *shaves off one eyebrow*

Why call them baby carrots when you could just say Snooki fingers?

Nothing makes me more depressed than a commercial about how I might be suffering from depression.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles probably forget which one they are when they take off their bandanas.