Hey girls....if a guy can't explain his occupation in 3 words or less...he doesn't have one.

My stalker, " I wanna be a psychotherapist (true) Me, " You're half way there"

My day was just like the Beastie Boys Sabotage video...without the soundtrack..or 1970's porn mustache...or Beastie Boys..never mind.

My boss, "I trust your judgment." Me, “Dave, I just lost all respect for you.”

I am supposed to give a powerpoint tomorrow.....shit...that means I gotta delete my "Bukkake" screen saver.

I've been in three meetings today and I can't remember what any of them were about.

My 15, "Dad, I think I wanna go to Law School." So, I'm going to buy lotto tickets.........with tears streaming down my face.

What time are we meeting @ the park for The Chronicles of Narnia reenactment ?.........ooops..wrong forum...

Just saw a lady at a red light punch herself in the face... WTF? Somebody report that shit…ME!?! Oh no…I’m not getting involved in that.

Just helped hook a guy who was jerking off in front of a laundry...I can't stop giggling...people are fucking nuts..

Every rap song talks about get'n "IT" I guess "IT" isn't a job...

Will I follow you? Sure where are we going? Back to your page.....?? Hmmm...but we just met...and I didin't bring protection..maybe later..

Monkey Balls...I uploaded a bunch of pics and none came thru... So where did they go? Same place that one sock went I bet...

Was I following you? Uh Yeah...thats how this works, I follow you..then you pull over and sign this...then I go to Starbucks..

Just got an office with a view..I feel like Melanie Griffith at the end of" Working Girl"

I just found a gray nose hair....gray...in my fucking nose...WTF?...is this a joke? I'm not laughing....

I'm just gonna pull people over and say, "Can I borrow your pen?" If they don't have one?? Hmm..I guess this plan needs more thought..

So, how the fuck did this Starbucks get jacked last night? Everyone from work lives here....I'm gonna have to be here more...

Remember when you guys gathered in a circle around me and I roller skated to disco music in tight shorts? No?? Oh thank god it was a dream

In court and I'm trying to figure out how to use the word "Fantasmic" in my testimony.