I've got a huge carbon footprint, which leads me to believe I may also have a huge carbon dick.

I've seen Hugh Hefner dressed as a sailor more times than I've seen a sailor dressed as a sailor.

Let's not worry about oil, as I spent $18 on 5 Gillette Mach3 razors. What country do we invade to lower the price of stainless steel?

I don't know what the phrase "bee's knees" means, but it sounds like the cat's pajamas.

I've gotta admit, I'd be totally attracted to a girl that smelled like Chicken McNuggets.

There's no way that Boston and Bavarian Kreme donuts don't talk shit about each other.

If you know the differences between techno, trance and house music, then your brain has been fried by ecstasy.

"I was at the candy store" "I'm now at the elementary school" (When Four Square check-ins go wrong)

"Super neat skulls on this one mom!" (Guy buying an Affliction t-shirt)

Best part about Italy? Girls in tight white linen pants. Worst part about Italy? Guys in tight white linen pants.

Nothing angers me more than racism and dudes wearing capris.

"This shitty Bazooka Joe cartoon will distract them from noticing our gum is harder than cement." (Bazooka gum founders)

Hey white people, let's all agree to stop yelling when we're drunk, ok?

Just had a pretty blonde white girl deliver my Chinese food. I don't think that even happens in Sweden.

I get really lost and confused when I see a white guy with dreadlocks and he isn't in Counting Crows.

After all these years, Nelly is still wearing a bandaid under his eye. The cut isn't healing, you really need to see a doctor.

Hey guys with wallet chains; you live in the suburbs, no one is stealing your wallet containing $17 and a never to be used condom.

Still holding out hope that my Collective Soul cd will arrive from Columbia Record Club one day.

So Billy Joel, the guys name is Davey and he's in the navy? C'mon, is hair wavy? Enjoys gravy? This tweet he shall favy?

The only thing worse than old lady cleavage is realizing you liked looking at old lady cleavage.