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"We're about to pack a bowl, have sex & then go to the library. What are you guys up to?" - Overheard in Starbucks
When anyone claims that something is the greatest thing since sliced bread, I always get amazed that they haven't heard of the internet.
I'm excited for Fast And Furious 6, because while I couldn't give a shit about fast cars, I thoroughly enjoy watching people be furious.
I wish I enjoyed anything in life, as much as this girl on the train is enjoying random YouTube covers of "Livin' On A Prayer."
Anything is possible in the world, except feeling cool while wearing a rain poncho.
Ate lunch at John's Chinese Restaurant, which is synonymous to getting a slice at Chef Ho's Peking Duck Palace of Pizza.
Instead of people using yoga mats, yoga studios should make their floors out of...yoga mat.
St. Patrick's Day is beer's Halloween.
We're all in agreement that cats are high all the time, right?
My platform to become Pope: No touching lil boys, equal rights &...I pledge to try to get a vending machine in the cafeteria.
I may not know the name of Joe Biden's wife, but I do know that Heidi is married to Spencer.
First Ikea had horse meat in meatballs, now they have poop in almond cakes. We should learn to stop eating at a furniture store.
The only thing worse than finding out Santa isn't real, is that professional wrestling isn't either.
Since he was a carpenter, I wonder how Jesus would have fared in those wood sawing competitions that ESPN aired in the 90's.
Are Lean Cuisine's still healthy when you need to eat 3 of them to feel full?
I will always doubt my spelling of "congratulations," because my aunt gave me a "ConGRADulations" card after I passed 5th grade.
People who brag they got Christmas shopping done before Thanksgiving are the same people that wipe their asses with toast.
Selling like hotcakes? Who goes that much out of their way to buy hotcakes?
I was a janitor. Then a busboy. then waiter. waiter again. worked in a spa. waiter. telemarketer. waiter. currently at MTV. future? Pattern suggests a waiter.