Dear Directv my mom complains about to much sex and violence on TV. Can you please find the channel she is watching and add it to my package

Not to be picky or a dickhead but some of you are forgetting to say "over" at the end of your tweets. -over-

Jesus you take the wheel, Satan you take the stereo. I don't want to hear any fighting and don't wake me up until we get there.

I used to be wild and care free, then I met a girl. Tampons ended up in the bathroom and I am wearing a sweater. WTF???

The "I don't give a fuck" movement has become so popular on Twitter the only way you can shock anyone on here is by giving a fuck.

It would be nice if more porno movies showed the outtakes and spoofs over the end credits.

I am 34yrs old, why do I still find it necessary when entering my initials on an arcade game to put in FUQ, DIX or ASS?

Years ago a guy would spank his wife as punishment. Now if you tried that she'd get aroused and expect you to finish what you just started.

I may joke a lot about my wife and sons but the truth is I love & appreciate them. Without them I would be single, lonely and debt free.

I probably have a better chance of God answering my prayers then Microsoft doing anything about a "Error Report"

I got married so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone when I ate at a restaurant.

I don't even need a safe word. When the sex is getting to be too intense for me I just hang up the phone.

I smile at people so they will smile at other people & it gets passed on until someone gets their ass kicked for smiling at some guy's wife.

Sometimes I kind of miss the days when I knew which fast food restaurant I needed to eat at based on which condiments I was running low on.

Walking into walls is my business... and business is good.

There are some people on Twitter I have watched long enough to know you don't mess around with them. Funny thing is they are all women

Not sure how or why some of you ladies put up with some of the idiotic perverted bullshit on here.
Hang in there, all guys aren't assholes.

If you come mow my lawn for me I promise to look out the window occasionally and give you a thumbs up.

I have some free time, I think I'll go knock on a few Jehovah's Witnesses door's and see if I can get us a few more followers on here.

My son wanted to shave like daddy so I put shaving cream on his face including a dab between his eyebrows to make it realistic.