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I hate it when I sit to pee and my dick hits the water. Wait....that's never happened to me. :(
Just heard #Peaches&Herb 's Reunited..... but I'm still very happy me and 1970's have separated.
Im nervous about that satellite falling from the sky today, but Ive gathered my family beneath Kim Kardashian's ass and we're feeling safe.
I watched Dia de la Indepencia for 20 minutes before I realized it was just Will Smith in Independence Day dubbed in Spanish. #stoned
Dear Netflix I don't care about paying seven more bucks a month for a continued shitload of entertainment options. #whocares #getajob
#youngkidsshouldbebannedfrom my home. Unfortunately, I have two of them and the state says I have to care for them. #littlefuckers
It's 7:23am. Have you "blue-screened" today? #windows
To me, ''I tweeted'' sounds like ''I shit my pants a little.'' I'm an idiot.