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I only tweet about the big issues. Like what would it have been like if you googled "shrek" before the Shrek movies came out.
Local child refusing to sleep during naptime incarcerated for resisting a rest
A Lou Bega parody called "Mango No. 5" where I name individually every fruit going into the smoothie I'm making
Reminder that you literally must say "reminder that" and "literally" in any tweet with information in it
A Guard tosses a can in front of you. "Pick it up", a robotic voice demands. Gordon Freeman begins to kick and swing his arms. Ska is back.
What? Your TWITTER CRUSH is evolving! ... Congratulations! Your TWITTER CRUSH evolved into SECRET SEXT PARTNER!
The reason for dating is so that you can get a hug when needed and give a hug when needed and basically just hug all the time
Siri is it raining out? *is talking into a wet bag of marbles* Siri please *bag breaks, marbs go everywhere* Siri... Open suicidenote.txt
#signsyouaho you're covered in dirt. your handle is long and wooden. your head is rusted, but reliable. you aren't used in the winter.
If Apple doesn't call software updates "iPatches" they're ruining a golden opportunity
Here's my email conversation with @josecanseco's "agent" (see http://t.co/ZKi2WdfY and http://t.co/wh6TfQ2A) http://t.co/wHii8JJT
"I wish that got more retweets I thought it was funny" - every single one of us every day
#PerksOfDatingMe will hold your hand until it's clammy, allowing you to pick up sequins easily
Why isn't there a Gamer history month. Why isn't there an Anime history month. Why does it hurt so much all the time. Why is my blood orange
In the future, we all have tiny portals installed in our Ass, which let us poop directly into our home toilets. We use our phones to flush
fat bird on the internet tweeting i'm here to be your friend want to talk about pokemon and bands and gross stuff | I love @CannibalKisses a lot wow
