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Dick Cheney's doctors made medical history today when they managed to fit a human heart inside an asshole.
18500 people just lost their jobs 6 days before Thanksgiving. Instead of hoarding shit pastries, donate to a local food bank instead. Dicks.
They named the kid North West in honor of which direction our eyes collectively rolled.
And that's why The Walking Dead is the best show on tv.
#PrayForAurora because God was busy last night and couldn’t prevent the massacre, but he’s all ears today. Got his coffee and everything.
Retweet this if you’ve scored as many touchdowns this preseason as the Jets.
So I'm supposed to give a fuck about a guy worth $100m being interviewed by a billionaire over cheating at bike riding?
Nice try, Twitter.
"I'll have whatever." - People who don't belong at a beer festival.
Stevie Wonder for Bud Light. I guess losing one sense doesn't enhance the others after all.
Anheuser-Busch brewmaster: "consumers are sick & tired of branding without the story".
No, dildo, we're sick and tired of shit beer.
Boycotting Belgian beer tomorrow? Might want to rethink that 12-pack of Budweiser, dudebro.
Thanksgiving beer pairing recommendation: Drink whatever the fuck you want.
The. President. Does. Not. Control. Gas. Prices. You. Fucking. Dildos.
I put the amber ale in Amber Alert. Brewer at @DueSouthBrewing. (''Tweets are my own'' disclaimer) Co-host of the @UnitedWeDrink podcast. Lover of silence.