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I shoplifted a License to Ill cassette from K-Mart when I was 10. It was probably one of the greatest decisions I ever made. #RIPMCA
It's cool how kids are like tiny adults that are huge assholes.
My doctor told me my heart was healthy enough for sexual activity :) but only with him :(
Arranging my Christmas cards by whose kids look the most fucked up.
I’m just worried that Bostonians could end up with an over-inflated sense of regional pride.
Kim Kardashian is in labor. It’s literally the first time she’s done any.
It’s time somebody said it: the Devil’s fiddle solo shits all over Johnny’s.
Touching phones would be a great idea if the purpose of a phone weren't communicating from distances of greater than one inch.
Still amazed that I can go all day without seeing my kids and still hate them immediately.
Hey OJ Jury, You're finally off the hook. We found 12 people dumber than you!
My yoga teacher said to do "warrior," so I crushed some guy's larynx and decorated my body with blood from his still-beating heart. MY BAD!
Parenting wouldn't be nearly as popular if people called it what it really was - wiping butts and looking for shoes.
Paul's Boutique was so far ahead of its time that 20 years later no one has caught up. #RIPMCA
"I came here to do two things: Run for president and grope white pussy. And I'm all out of runnin' for president." - H. Cain
My ex asked if she could have the kids on Mother's Day, which pretty much makes it Father's Day.
Microsoft owning the Clippers sounds great until it takes 25 minutes to start the games and 10 minutes after that all of the players die.
I always answer the door for Jehovah's Witnesses in hopes that Serena Williams or Prince is standing on my stoop.