I shoplifted a License to Ill cassette from K-Mart when I was 10. It was probably one of the greatest decisions I ever made. #RIPMCA

It's cool how kids are like tiny adults that are huge assholes.

My doctor told me my heart was healthy enough for sexual activity :) but only with him :(

Arranging my Christmas cards by whose kids look the most fucked up.

I’m just worried that Bostonians could end up with an over-inflated sense of regional pride.

Touching phones would be a great idea if the purpose of a phone weren't communicating from distances of greater than one inch.

Hey OJ Jury, You're finally off the hook. We found 12 people dumber than you!

My yoga teacher said to do "warrior," so I crushed some guy's larynx and decorated my body with blood from his still-beating heart. MY BAD!

Parenting wouldn't be nearly as popular if people called it what it really was - wiping butts and looking for shoes.

Paul's Boutique was so far ahead of its time that 20 years later no one has caught up. #RIPMCA

Pretty normal thing to notice about your daughter. RT @hulkhogan: Brooke’s legs  http://lockerz.com/s/279800554 

"I came here to do two things: Run for president and grope white pussy. And I'm all out of runnin' for president." - H. Cain

CALLING NOW. STOP STEALING SKANKS, LEILA! RT @josecanseco: 818 4394730 everyone call leila and tell her what a skank thief she is

I always answer the door for Jehovah's Witnesses in hopes that Serena Williams or Prince is standing on my stoop.

Do the Harlem shut the fuck up.

"Joe Paterno only ignored child rape for 10 years" is the new "Hitler built a lot of roads."

All this Kim Jong-Il nonsense is distracting us from the real tragedy - Rob Schneider has a sitcom :(

Still amazed that I can go all day without seeing my kids and still hate them immediately.

Al Qaeda is probably pissed at how many TV shows we have devoted to cupcakes.

Thoughts and prayers go out to all the 25-year-old girls agonizing over which Coachella fedora connotes the maximum amount of irony.