I love how Jekyll lost his doctorate when he became Hyde.

If you google something and get no results, you're into some weird shit.

I liked it better when my future was this thing I talked about and not this thing I ruined.

Most of life is like when a DVD says there are special features but then you look and it's just trailers of movies you'd never want to see.

If you love something let it go and if it comes back, you probably love a boomerang because like, nothing else does that.

Today is not the day to talk about gun control. Yesterday was.

So if we can all just change our clocks and agree that it's a different time, then isn't everything just bullshit?

Had to unfollow @time4depression because shit got too real. I'll refollow when my life improves so probably never.

I harshly judge any culture that doesn't harshly judge men with ponytails.

I'm chewing my gum like a prostitute in an 80s movie. Should I get a tiny fur coat?

I'm thinking about going jogging. How many calories does just thinking about it burn?

Your store hours should be whenever I’m awake regardless of when that is. Close when I go to sleep and reopen when I awake. Is that so hard?

Life is like a song that I sort of hum along to and just pretend that I really know the lyrics.

Someone falls down and everyone asks, "Are you ok?" but really they mean, "Are you too hurt for us to laugh in your face immediately?"

An insult only hurts when it confirms a truth about ourselves that we were hoping no one else noticed. My flaws are obvious so insult away.

I wish I was a girl so I could put on a fake mustache.

If you need information quickly, do NOT have Christina Aguilera sing it to you.

If I had one tip for unfunny women it would be to become Jimmy Kimmel's best friend.

Does GQ even know that there are other poses that men can do besides adjusting their tie?

Why don't more bald guys wear wigs? When I go bald I'm wearing a wig. I could be bald and wearing a wig right now and you wouldn't know it.