There is nothing as devastating as a simple misspell in a tweet.

Every time I click on someone's avi & it opens up to be size of one piece of glitter, I panic, thinking I forgot to pay my Twitter bill.

I may look sad, but I'm masturbating on the inside.

Twinkle, twinkle little whore. Close your legs, they're not a door.

Hey, you...with the brain. It's "should have/would have/could have", not "should of/would of/could of.". Take a class or something.

Ooh. I just hit the amount of coffee where I feel like someone slipped me an anxiety attack. Time to eat.

If Hell had a flavor, it would be black licorice.

The new Muppet movie was NOT what I expected at ALL. http://t.co/4YAIPpXB

Only having 140 characters does NOT excuse you from using your/you're properly, dumb ass.

There's stoned, and then there's "high as a giraffe's ass on stilts".

That girl's so whack, her first name should be Knicknackpaddy.

Dear IKEA shopper: settle the fuck down! It's not that important. Seriously.

My cat eats the same ol' dry food every day, so I can't figure out why she keeps farting & it smells like homeless people & cancer. Awful.

#FF @mysecretlife01 @gumby1975 @chyld2u @kevinfrisbee @bryenxopher @freshcoffey @thestro81 @mkriegbaumjr @terryakee @lucaslascivious

I'll be homo for Christmas.

@mysecretlife01 @mistersnuggl3s @naan_conformist Penises fit in lesbians, too.

“Each time a child accomplishes something that benefits another, confidence swells.” #kidsareheroes #DT @kidsareheroes

I like my coffee like I like my women. I like men.

"@cnn: Police: woman killed, cooked husband. http://t.co/IKe9Otsa". Never piss off a woman.

My cat has this look/meow combo she gives me that clearly says "You've got game, son"