@billmaher If the right needed the proof of Obama's birth certificate so badly, I think asking Mitt for his taxes shouldn't be a big deal.

iTunes music store labeled a Mozart piece CLEAN. Where do I find the EXPLICIT Mozart that references prostitutes, cocaine, and cop killing?

@rickygervais You know you love your cat too much when you get cramps sitting so awkwardly just to accomadate their naps.

The street is their pizza, and our bloody corpses will be their toppings if we don't stop them. #pizzababies

@jennyjohnsonhi5 Things can get pretty depressing sometimes, but knowing I'm not Chris Brown helps me get out of bed a little easier.

@bexmader Fringe filled the void in my life when Lost ended (highest compliment of course). Best show on TV right now. Psyched for season 4!

@letsgetgizzy It's been a while. Have a guinea pig wearing a vegetable on the house.  http://twitpic.com/ck1vqo 

Hot at night. Cold in the morning. Death in between. #pizzababies

A friend said Leonardo DiCaprio's filming Wolf of Wall Street in my hometown today! Headed that way tomorrow, wonder if they work weekends.

We're all doomed in 30 minutes or less! #pizzababies

I love filling out forms where they give you 1/2 a page length for your zip code but an inch for your college degree & teaching certificates

@letsgetgizzy But damn do we ever like garlic bread!

I had a pretty good day so I should ruin that by checking my bank account balance.

@bepheeber @letsgetgizzy Hullo dere! http://t.co/dHpQJNX3 (Not mine but I love how it looks like it's smiling)

If your name isn't John McClane, then I'm going to feel very uncomfortable around you if you repeatedly talk to yourself.

Meet people on Twitter you wish you knew in real life more than some people you actually know in real life: WIN GAME #TwitterTheBoardGame

I hear all this news about Adam Scott and golf and all I can imagine is @mradamscott shrugging like in the #ParksAndRec opening credits.

Only a few weeks left. I'm counting on the first joke being about how late they started the school year. #Community

@letsgetgizzy It needed to happen, but somehow I knew it wouldn't. The world doesn't get what they're missing and I hope they paaaaaay.

Learning the SHIELD series occurs AFTER The Avengers means it should open w/ Coulson yelling at Nick Fury about his bloodied trading cards.