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I saw #ValKilmer trending and assumed he had announced that he had diabetes.
Just when I thought Bono couldn't get any douchier, he got a facelift, got frosted hair and became the lead singer for #Nickelback.
Clint Eastwood is the surprise speaker at the #RNC. I assume he's starring the in GOP's latest film "Any Which Way But Ron Paul." #ronpaul
I was so drunk last night I thought a potato with downs syndrome won the Super Bowl. Then I realized it was Eli Manning.
I didn't read the whole article, but I think Mark Wahlberg said he could have stopped 9/11 by punching the planes back into the sky.
Is there anything worse than waking up next to a dead hooker, then finding out she's still alive? #serialkillerproblems
I'll never forget you, Napster. Except for the last 8 years, when I did.
On super windy days like this, I like to stand outside a strip club and enjoy the smells of cocaine and whorepussy that waft out.
Nickelback is STILL performing at halftime on Thanksgiving. Even when the Lions are good, they find a way to ruin the holiday every year.
How many Jamaicans can possibly be on Twitter to make #onlyrealjamaicans trend? Do they make cell phones out of pot now?
"I'm not only going to murder you...I'm also going to murder everyone you know." - what I just whispered to this carton of eggs.
The eHarmony spokes-founder is the Willy Wonka of desperation.
The only way I know my true friends anymore is if they respond to my requests for tickets to board the Candy Crush train on Facebook.
Maybe all the crazy cat ladies in the world could look ahead in time and were just investing in the internet currency of the future.
"Dear world, here are my hilarious tweets. Please read them, share and enjoy." - Me. World: "Nah."
You know, if Palestine would just rename itself to PaleSTEIN, they'd patch things up with Israel in a matter of hours.
Stand up comic, writer, former donkey show reviewer. Probably a genius.