My 4 year old and I are having an argument. I'm telling him that he is making me late for work and he's telling me that he is Batman.

Sent an email to my Mom. Now I'm at her place showing her how to open it.

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

I sexted my wife and she headachexted me back.

You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL.

Anyways, the baby's ok.

I'm opening up a bar called The Gym so we don't have to lie anymore.

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old's lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

I'm not the grammar police but I am convinced that some of you just smash the keyboard and hit Send.

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.

My wife: "What are you doing?"

"Having an argument on Twitter"

"With a man or woman?"

"A lamp."

My 1 year old said YOLO. She might have been asking for yogurt but just to be safe I put her in a Time-out.

My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.

A conversation between 2 vegans:

"I'm a vegan."

"I'm a vegan too."

"Oh."

"So...you're a vegan?"

"Yes, I am a vegan."

"Me too."

A synonym for "With all due respect" is "Listen, stupid".

Just did a Tupperware inventory. 14 round containers, 2 square lids.

If your hat is intentionally crooked while you are pushing a stroller then we know your child was an accident.

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, "You sound like you're 4 - it's the grocery store".

"I hate that Betty Cracker."

- drunk Aunt Jemima

My buddy told me to make myself at home so I started yelling at his kids.

Well, at least my 4 year old is excited to see the police car behind us.