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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old's lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
My 4 year old and I are having an argument. I'm telling him that he is making me late for work and he's telling me that he is Batman.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I'm at her place showing her how to open it.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
I'm opening up a bar called The Gym so we don't have to lie anymore.
You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL.
Anyways, the baby's ok.
I sexted my wife and she headachexted me back.
I'm not the grammar police but I am convinced that some of you just smash the keyboard and hit Send.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
"I'm a vegan."
"I'm a vegan too."
"So...you're a vegan?"
"Yes, I am a vegan."
My wife: "What are you doing?"
"Having an argument on Twitter"
"With a man or woman?"
My 1 year old said YOLO. She might have been asking for yogurt but just to be safe I put her in a Time-out.
A synonym for "With all due respect" is "Listen, stupid".
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Just did a Tupperware inventory. 14 round containers, 2 square lids.
"Doctor, is the baby healthy?"
"Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her."
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
If your hat is intentionally crooked while you are pushing a stroller then we know your child was an accident.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, "You sound like you're 4 - it's the grocery store".
My buddy told me to make myself at home so I started yelling at his kids.
"I hate that Betty Cracker."
- drunk Aunt Jemima
Husband and father. I've been to Afghanistan, North Korea and Nunavut. This is true. http://www.brianhopecomedy.com