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*I rub a lamp and a genie arises*
"You have 1 wish." He says.
I wish for 1 million followers!!
*Genie favorites but doesn't reply*
*Guns N' Roses riding bikes together*
*Axl Rose falls*
"Owe! My sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na KNEES! KNEES!"
"You coming rock climbing?"
That's not my cup of tea.
"It's not? Damn... Oh, here's your tea."
Thanks. But yeah I'll come rock climbing.
Good jokes to tweet
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Least painful suicide methods
*Ted takes a drag off a cigarette*
"Why am I a dick?"
No you're ADDICTED.
"WHY AM I A DICK"
I read a comic in which Marmaduke gets another dog pregnant. Guess you could say he got Marmalade.
I'll be here all week.
Babe, our relationship is like doing push-ups on your knees, it's just not working out.
Who's the idiot who decided to call it a loud orgasm and not a sperm wail.
Who's the idiot who decided to call them female tourists and not Tourettes?
Give a man a sticker and he'll place it on something.
Teach a man to Sticker even though he hardly even knows her.
Dad there's a monster under my bed!!!
*Dad bursts in and forgets I sleep in a bunk bed with my sister*
"Lol good one."
*Dad hi-fives me*
Sticks and stones may break my bones but they can also be arranged into the shape of a penis.
"The beauty is that not only is it a wiener, it is also a toboggan."
I'll take it!
*Dealer hands me the keys to my new Wiener Toboggan*
Where did I put my boomerang? I've looked everywhere but I ca-, oh wait I threw it into the neighbor's yard! It's all coming back to me now!
Are you sure that Jersey Shore is on at 8 tonight? Like SURE sure? Like Jersey Sure?
The funeral was at 8:00 am but I got a blowjob in the bathroom so it turned out to be a good mourning.
When they told me "Do the Dew", no one said I would get arrested for rubbing my erect penis all over the early morning grass.
*Wears dinosaur Crocs and army print cargo capri pants on first date*
My inner thighs chafed from a brisk jog moments ago, I sit down to apply lotion to my raw crotch. Before I knew it, I was moisturebating.