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*Guns N' Roses riding bikes together*
*Axl Rose falls*
"Owe! My sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na KNEES! KNEES!"
*I rub a lamp and a genie arises*
"You have 1 wish." He says.
I wish for 1 million followers!!
*Genie favorites but doesn't reply*
*Ted takes a drag off a cigarette*
"Why am I a dick?"
No you're ADDICTED.
"WHY AM I A DICK"
Forgot my baseball mitt so I went home to get it. Forgot my bat too so I went home again. Guess you could say I made back to back home-runs.
*Spiderman 3 stage play*
DIRECTOR: Ok you're about to go on!
ACTOR: All the script says is 'Enter, Sandman'!
*Metallica begins to play*
"You coming rock climbing?"
That's not my cup of tea.
"It's not? Damn... Oh, here's your tea."
Thanks. But yeah I'll come rock climbing.
*Upgod 2.0 update*
Hey man you got a pie cost on your shirt.
"What's a pie cost?"
Good jokes to tweet
How to gain followers
How to delete Twitter account
Least painful suicide methods
-I was too nervous to get a brain transplant at first, but then I ended up doing it.
-What made you change your mind?
I used to date a congress women but now she's my FedEx.
I nicknamed my weed stash "The Quran" because you'll get stoned if you burn it.
Hey girl, ready to reduce the planets of the Solar System down to seven? Because I'm about to destroy Uranus.
That face when you think you aced an exam then you get the grade back and realize there was no exam and you're not even attending school
Who's the idiot who decided to call it a loud orgasm and not a sperm wail.
I read a comic in which Marmaduke gets another dog pregnant. Guess you could say he got Marmalade.
I'll be here all week.
Dad there's a monster under my bed!!!
*Dad bursts in and forgets I sleep in a bunk bed with my sister*
"Lol good one."
*Dad hi-fives me*
Babe, our relationship is like doing push-ups on your knees, it's just not working out.
-I was absent from Caulking 101 today, did I miss anything important?
-Let me fill you in
Why can't I see the specimen?
"It's impossible to see with the naked eye"
*drapes pants over eyes*
Ah yes, of course.
I need a new exercise routine