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*I rub a lamp and a genie arises*
"You have 1 wish." He says.
I wish for 1 million followers!!
*Genie favorites but doesn't reply*
*Guns N' Roses riding bikes together*
*Axl Rose falls*
"Owe! My sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na KNEES! KNEES!"
"You coming rock climbing?"
That's not my cup of tea.
"It's not? Damn... Oh, here's your tea."
Thanks. But yeah I'll come rock climbing.
Good jokes to tweet
How to gain followers
How to delete Twitter account
Least painful suicide methods
*Ted takes a drag off a cigarette*
"Why am I a dick?"
No you're ADDICTED.
"WHY AM I A DICK"
I read a comic in which Marmaduke gets another dog pregnant. Guess you could say he got Marmalade.
I'll be here all week.
Babe, our relationship is like doing push-ups on your knees, it's just not working out.
Who's the idiot who decided to call it a loud orgasm and not a sperm wail.
Who's the idiot who decided to call them female tourists and not Tourettes?
- Container (To hold water)
- String (Bucket handle)
- Screws (Attach handle to bucket)
Congrats you made your first bucket.
Welcome to the 1st meeting of Silent Club. Let's discuss rules shall we? The first rule?
By God I've broken the only rule.
Give a man a sticker and he'll place it on something.
Teach a man to Sticker even though he hardly even knows her.
Dad there's a monster under my bed!!!
*Dad bursts in and forgets I sleep in a bunk bed with my sister*
"Lol good one."
*Dad hi-fives me*
Sticks and stones may break my bones but they can also be arranged into the shape of a penis.
"The beauty is that not only is it a wiener, it is also a toboggan."
I'll take it!
*Dealer hands me the keys to my new Wiener Toboggan*
Where did I put my boomerang? I've looked everywhere but I ca-, oh wait I threw it into the neighbor's yard! It's all coming back to me now!
Are you sure that Jersey Shore is on at 8 tonight? Like SURE sure? Like Jersey Sure?
The funeral was at 8:00 am but I got a blowjob in the bathroom so it turned out to be a good mourning.
When they told me "Do the Dew", no one said I would get arrested for rubbing my erect penis all over the early morning grass.