Taj Mahal sounds a lot like Touch My Hole but in a a weird accent.

I dreamt last night that I had boobs, then I woke up and I had boobs. It was like that inception movie but with boobs.

During a disagreement with my sister, I made a wanking gesture and her response to that was a critique on the girth of my imaginary penis.

If boys have crown jewels then do girls have safes?

What are the advantages of being an Atheist? Getting to yell "OH MY BIG BANG THEORY!" in bed.

I didn't know that standing around in a bikini was a sport, Sports Illustrated.

Giants don't spoon, they ladle.

"93% of the people that read this won't repost it." Did you time travel to the future to get this statistic? I think not. Fuck off.

Midgets don't spoon, they teaspoon.

I need to fall in love with life again.

899 followers. It's like 69 but with two dudes and a snow man.

Sometimes I forget to use my hand brake. That's how I roll.

I'm pretty verbose. So I got that going for me.

Another penis joke on Twitter. How preDICKtable.

I can't ever become a politician purely because of this twitter account.

He walks like that because he's well endowed. I walk like this because he's well endowed :(

Cosmo says I need to "follow people I respect on Twitter" to "develop into the person I most like being." Looks like I want to be a freak.

My relationship with Twitter can be described by wetness in various orifices. Sometimes it's because I'm crying. Sometimes I'm not.

I believe that phone sex is something that should happen between two consenting phones. Humans should stick to real sex.

Hate it when people bother me whilst I'm balls-deep in thought.