@BrilliantOrange's (C.m. Velazquez) most favourited tweets

@BrilliantOrange

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@BrilliantOrange's (C.m. Velazquez) most faved Tweets...

I have very good inside information about Apple's next product: I will not be able to afford it.

@BrilliantOrange

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I hate running into co-workers in the bathroom because then I have to wash my hands for real.

@BrilliantOrange

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Wife away on business trip. Still wondering why she packed condoms. What a goofball!

@BrilliantOrange

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Take away that last vowel and Lady Gaga is just another working girl.

@BrilliantOrange

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The only thing to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And death. Mountain lions! Republicans. Earthquakes. Certain fonts. Republican spiders!

@BrilliantOrange

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Live-tweeting my getting fired. Boss is yelling. He's getting up! He's trying to stop me from texting! Now he's chasing me! LOL!

@BrilliantOrange

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I just ate so many pistachios that the squirrels at my window started clapping.

@BrilliantOrange

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I love it when other screenwriters unfollow me. WAY TO STICK TOGETHER, GUYS. I'M NEVER COVERING YOUR SHIFT AT DENNY'S AGAIN.

@BrilliantOrange

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Romantic comedies would work a lot better if they ended in death. The characters, me, whatever.

@BrilliantOrange

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Q: How many old men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: THE MUSIC KIDS LISTEN TO TODAY IS TERRIBLE.

@BrilliantOrange

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Explained "ejector seat" to children. Enjoyed the silent drive to school this morning.

@BrilliantOrange

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Wife started 10-day juice fast. I asked if sperm was still okay. I need more ice for my eye.

@BrilliantOrange

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Breakfast: Oatmeal with flax oil, wheat germ, brewer's yeast & soy milk. What's missing? Oh, yes, the reason to live.

@BrilliantOrange

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Dear People-Who-Go-To-Work-High: I get it now.

@BrilliantOrange

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Hail Satan, we thank you with blood of the innocent OH HELLO NEW FOLLOWERS! DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE. THANKS FOR, OOPS, MY ROBE IS OPEN. LOL.

@BrilliantOrange

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You'd think The Office has enough footage by now to finish the documentary being made about them.

@BrilliantOrange

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Isn't it sweet how 3-year-olds are SUPER FUCKING PICKY ABOUT THE WAY YOU SERVE EVERY FUCKING PIECE OF FUCKING FOOD THAT THEY EAT?

@BrilliantOrange

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Support The Foundation To Help Old People Figure Out If They Have Fifteen Items Or Less

@BrilliantOrange

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I guess I don't need to shout during orgasm. The balloon and confetti drop probably say enough.

@BrilliantOrange

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I'm sorry, but, little kids are funny when they're drunk.

@BrilliantOrange

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