Just for the hell of it, somebody ask Sarah Palin about the situation with West Korea and Narnia.

The iPad is revolutionizing the number of things I don't own.

I have very good inside information about Apple's next product: I will not be able to afford it.

I'm starting a new social media service called BookFace. Hand me that dictionary. Now close your eyes.

I hate running into co-workers in the bathroom because then I have to wash my hands for real.

BREAKING: UN authorities continue their search for books at the Bush Library.

Wife away on business trip. Still wondering why she packed condoms. What a goofball!

Starting cover band called OCD Soundsystem where we play one song perfectly seventeen times, or else.

Take away that last vowel and Lady Gaga is just another working girl.

The only thing to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And death. Mountain lions! Republicans. Earthquakes. Certain fonts. Republican spiders!

Rick Perry's team regroups at Niggerhead, wonders what went wrong.

Live-tweeting my getting fired. Boss is yelling. He's getting up! He's trying to stop me from texting! Now he's chasing me! LOL!

Hamsters are really stupid, but, I'm the guy spending money to keep one housed and fed, so, there you go.

The people who scheduled a convention in Florida during hurricane season. They want to run things.

I was writing a sex joke about guys but I finished sooner than I thought I would and now I'm sleepy.

I love it when other screenwriters unfollow me. WAY TO STICK TOGETHER, GUYS. I'M NEVER COVERING YOUR SHIFT AT DENNY'S AGAIN.

Q: How many old men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: THE MUSIC KIDS LISTEN TO TODAY IS TERRIBLE.

I just ate so many pistachios that the squirrels at my window started clapping.

Breakfast: Oatmeal with flax oil, wheat germ, brewer's yeast & soy milk. What's missing? Oh, yes, the reason to live.

Romantic comedies would work a lot better if they ended in death. The characters, me, whatever.