I pooped my pants. But I'm wearing a skirt so I guess I just pooped on the floor.

What's the opposite of faving a tweet? I just saw one so unfunny that I need to take action.

Sending a text saying, "I've always secretly liked you." to all the guys in my phone in hopes one of them takes the bait. Fingers crossed!

My car is now clean on the outside but still a mess on the inside which is also a great metaphor for my life.

I dated a guy for 2 1/2 years who wore an Indiana Jones hat on a regular basis. So yeah, I'd say love is blind.

Two of the people at this party are pissed. Everyone else is highfiving. I finally have the 7 layer dip to myself.

Oh honey no, if you can't zip the dress up all the way, don't wear it.

I can't afford bonus features so if I star AND RT your tweet, consider that your trophy.

I keep getting told that I talk about myself a lot but it's probably because you all are fucking boring.

My boss went to Pandora, saw what station it was set to then turned very slowly, looked at me and said, "Disney?"

My wi-fi router still has the same name from when I lived with my old boyfriend... which explains why it's such an unreliable asshole.

My hips are pathological liars.

Dude, you live in LA in 2012, you don't have to pretend to be straight.

I make excellent milkshakes but I don't have a yard. :(

Taco Bell: because you hate yourself.

In a business meeting and I'm writing silly notes to my coworker on her notepad because I never passed the third grade.

Some people have sex dreams. I have hot guy handing me a red velvet cupcake dreams.

My grandma is describing her 4 natural births and now I'm wondering how any of us exist.

Mcdonald's: Because I discovered I CAN feel worse than I already do.

I'm way too ADD for dating. I'll pretty much forget you exist if you take more than a day to contact me.