In a text argument, whoever misspells first is the loser.

Ugly people are just human typos

Stairs are just paralyzed escalators.

Am I touching stuff or is stuff touching me?

Fact: Nobody's ever masturbated on an accident.

Sarcasm doesn't make you a stand-up comedian.

The difference between "to" and "too" is go fuck yourself.

Hey words, don't ever let Dictionaries define you.

Once people start retweeting me, that would be great.

Life is like a box of nothing. If you're too poor to afford the chocolate.

Seizures is just your internal organs partying.

In my line of experience, women love guys with croissant-looking moustaches.

"Hey, come outside, we're harmless." -beautiful days

Never complain and you'll succeed.

Are we really whispering or is there a tiny person screaming at the tip of our lips?

My alter ego has a bigger penis than me.

People, people, people. I'm so tired of breaking it down to you. If you're going to follow, inter-fucking-act with the people you follow!

Success comes with ego. Ego comes with asshole.

How many special places in hell do they have?

When I die, people should quit fucking because it is SO unfair that I am unable to.