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May The Fourth Be Fuck You
Two months sober.
If you ever get to feeling like you've got nothing to live for, adopt an animal.
They'll change your life.
Confidence is silent. Insecurities are loud. And chocolate pudding is delicious.
The sound of screaming children makes my sperm voluntarily commit suicide by the millions.
Dear Ray Rice, you're supposed to hit the buttons in an elevator, not your woman.
Comedians are mourned so lovingly when they pass because the world desperately needs humor. Laughter isn't always present. Sadness is.
Wanna learn more about yer neighbors? Walk down yer street and search WiFi signals "Leather Master" and "Butterdick69" just a few on mine.
I think I finally figured Twitter out. Tweet a buncha shit you'd only say when you're drunk, and all the drunks on Twitter will retweet you
If you don't got anything nice to say, say it anyways, cause it might be super funny.
Booze is a strange drug. We consume it to have a good time, and then we don't remember if we even did.
Instead of being an asshole, do something unexpected and nice for someone today. Surprisingly, it's just as fun as being an asshole.
Truth be told, at this point in my life, I honestly don't have ill intent towards anyone. I either have good intent, or no intent at all.
"You do not own a dog. You have a dog. And, the dog has you." - Chelsea Handler
People who follow your every word on Twitter w/o actually "following" you, are the same people who sneak off to sniff underwear at parties.
Friends call me 'Broms': Actor/Director, Award Winning Beer Crusher, Love Animals/Tolerate People, Ex-Stripper DJ. Future Mayor of Toronto #HUNGOVERLORD
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