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I had an Uber driver the other night whose name was entirely made up of vowels. You had to orgasm to pronounce it.
The twist would see Maury be the father.
Watched a documentary on bears for 20 minutes, until I realised it was an interview with Robin Williams.
Jenny McCarthy's son called the cops over her txting while driving habit. She cures his autism and this is how he repays her? Unbelievable.
Probably the worst thing you can ask a writer is 'How's the writing going?' SHIT. IT'S SHIT. THE ANSWER WILL ALWAYS BE SHIT.
I never understood the allure of men who boast that they do weightlifting. Sure you can lift, bro, but can you tell a good Aristocrats joke?
Oh, thank god. I can finally sleep easy now that Bono has apologized for the free album his band gave to the world for enjoyment.
They took so long to find the guy in Saving Private Ryan. They should have sent in women or gays. Would have found Matt Damon in 20 minutes.
What does it mean when a guy pats you on the head? Asking for a friend...a really single one with like no emotional wounds or anything...
When I see free range stickers on chicken at the supermarket, I like to picture them roaming mountainous ranges like wild palominos.
Just found out Nutella is pronounced NEW-tell-uh. As opposed to NUH-tell-uh. This has ruined my entire day. I can't believe this.
Australian. Screenwriter. Former stand-up. Current sit-down. The product of Danny Kaye and a single malt.
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