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I always have to remember when I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.
Sometimes I wish I didn't live with this curse of being so awesome.
Sometimes I wish everyone could be as awesome as I am.
I lost my bed. Can I sleep in yours?
Bigger the boobs, less the face matters. That's science.
If a girl is making a kissy face in her profile picture, don't be fooled. She's fat.
The wingman motto: Ask not what your bros can do for you, ask what you can do for your bros.
If a woman has more than 3 cats, stay away. Stay very far away.
If I'm playing laser tag in a suit, can I call it blazer tag?
"It's cold in here" is code for "I need you on top of me to keep me warm."
Sometimes I wish I wasn't so awesome. It's tough to live up to my own high expectations.
Let's make a deal: If you let me have sex with you, I'll stop asking you to have sex with me.
If Bill Murray is not involved with the making of Ghostbusters 3, then I will not be involved in the watching of Ghostbusters 3.
Leave out your whisky and cigars for Suit Claus! International Suit Up Day is here!
I am terrified of snakes. And by snakes I mean commitment.
You have the key to my heart. I have keys to the motel down the street. Happy Desperation Day everybody!
To all my Bros and Broettes, Merry Barneimas!
2 boobs + 2 boobs = 3 way.