I always have to remember when I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.

Sometimes I wish I didn't live with this curse of being so awesome.

Sometimes I wish everyone could be as awesome as I am.

I lost my bed. Can I sleep in yours?

Bigger the boobs, less the face matters. That's science.

If a girl is making a kissy face in her profile picture, don't be fooled. She's fat.

The wingman motto: Ask not what your bros can do for you, ask what you can do for your bros.

If a woman has more than 3 cats, stay away. Stay very far away.

If I'm playing laser tag in a suit, can I call it blazer tag?

"It's cold in here" is code for "I need you on top of me to keep me warm."

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so awesome. It's tough to live up to my own high expectations.

Let's make a deal: If you let me have sex with you, I'll stop asking you to have sex with me.

If Bill Murray is not involved with the making of Ghostbusters 3, then I will not be involved in the watching of Ghostbusters 3.

Leave out your whisky and cigars for Suit Claus! International Suit Up Day is here!

Ummm, why's this counting down? http://t.co/Z0weImLG

I am terrified of snakes. And by snakes I mean commitment.

You have the key to my heart. I have keys to the motel down the street. Happy Desperation Day everybody!

To all my Bros and Broettes, Merry Barneimas!

2 boobs + 2 boobs = 3 way.

I maybe 25% Canadian, but I'm still 100% awesome.