Wanna really creep yourself out? Lie in bed, stare up at the ceiling, and in total darkness, softly sing "Happy Birthday" to yourself.

15 minutes into playing the Tron: Legacy soundtrack, my 74 year old Aunt exclaimed: (in spanish) Thanks be to God for this wonderful music!

I give the best shrugs.

Typos make my duck hard.

"Compose" a tweet. Ha. Yeah. Like this is all some beautiful music and not just a cacophony of cries for help.

I'm so cool, my dick texts girls pictures of me.

Seems like the flip side to all this f'd up earlier sexualization of children today is more young women in their 20's feeling "old and sad."

"Shup." --Sean Connery, creepin' on ya, via text.

The new "face for radio" is "body for the internet."

Turn that frown upside down. Now flatten it out into a straight line of desensitized resignation.

I'm a registered sex pretender.

My landlord: So when can you pay the rent? Me (as Bane): When Echo Park is ashes, then you have my permission to die. My landlord: What?

Saddest thing about Russian nesting dolls... when you take them out and make the family, they all end up empty inside.

Please check me out on tritter, fazebook, crumblr, and infrablam.

I'd like to thank Bill Clinton for reminding all of America that pervs can be passionate heroes. #kindredspirits

Drop the crazy and get with the lazy!

I asked a woman tonight if she ever went to Ross Dress for Less. She looked at me like I asked her if she likes rubbin' shit on her tits.

Showers are the personal pan pizzas of waterfalls.

Hey America, from one fuck-up to another, you guys are killin' it!

My thoughts are with me as I try not to think about myself during this time of natural disaster.