My friend David lost his ID, we just call him Dav now.

I don't know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn't even try to get out.

I like to cuddle after sex, but only when I crymax...which is often.

What if Anne Frank was found dead and brought back to life by a mad scientist and she wrote in her diary. The Diary of Anne Frank...enstein!

Bedazzling my penis, brb.

DARE did a terrible job at stopping me from not doing drugs and alcohol at a young age.

What if some dinosaur souls are trapped in fossil fuels?

I wear my insecurities on my sarcastic shirts.

I like my women like I like my wine, white and filled with alcohol.

After 20 seconds of staring at something on my wall, it fell. Professor X, I think I'm ready.

Since baseball is considered a sport, I now decree falling asleep on the toilet a sport also.

I put pain killers into my ice cream so I don't feel anything when it's over.

No dentist, I haven't been flossing. - Everyone who isn't a dentist

They can't all be Chinese food restaurants...can they?

The best way to reach a girls heart is through her legs.

What if the internet is actually God in disguise?

Women actually fake not having orgasms with me to make me feel inadequate, it works every time.

The worst thing about being the president is knowing that assholes are going to misquote you online - George Washington

I just want to have sex all day, is that too much to ask?

I hate people who act like they are so hood and grew up hard when they have rich parents and have a car that their parents got them.