The most unrealistic part of Jurassic Park is having a billionaire that means well.

Um, yes, I would like a bottle of your finest Cabernet and twenty dollars on pump three.

I like James Bond because he's a spy most famous for telling everyone his name.

Girl, are you girl because girl girlgirl girl. #tweet

Did you guys know that @briangaar is headlining at @thevelveetaroom tonight?! Meet me down there and we'll try to figure out why.

Movie History Trivia: Did you know that 'Men In Black 3' came out this year?

Just texted a friend about my tweets. I would kill myself but that still seems too productive.

Wheel Of Fortune is fun to watch if you forget that it's people guessing letters to earn a house payment.

Don't listen to what those other jerks say about you, I appreciate the plot holes you point out in all movies.

If people are upset about this Fred Willard business, people are going to be really upset with me when I go see The Dark Knight Rises.

It's weird that, when there's a small crowd, comics treat them like they represent the people who didn't show up.

I will be with a ton of other comics this Sunday at @hitwatx at 9PM. 5 bucks. Support the #occupyaustin movement.

Hitting a baseball is the hardest thing to do in sports, second only to being white.

"I'm a recovering crack head..." - guy at open mic, not telling a joke.

I wish the guys in the Sonic Drive-In commercials slowly got fatter and fatter.

The Pope was hit by a meteor made of horse meat? Did I just write the next "Scary Movie"?

I always get confused between where, wheir, and whey're.

Marriage is trying to figure out what movie your sleeping wife wants to watch. #ffffest

Common misunderstanding: people walking their dog and thinking our dogs want to "meet".

Just found out that the name of the band that does the "We Are Young" song is Fun. I never thought I could hate this much.