Sometimes it surprises me that there's porn that I haven't seen

I'm going to go drink. I'm going to go drink until drinking isn't even what it's called anymore

You think you know someone you're following and then they go and Tweet about Glee

Drunk is the new black

What is about looking at my bank statement that automatically makes me consider prostitution?

Friend on FB just said her cat has been her "biggest teacher". Pretty sure even the cat is embarrassed

When I see couples sitting across from each other with laptops, I hope for their sake they're playing Battleship

"Why?" - 3 year olds

My apartment smells like cat food. Which is weird because I don't have a cat and I don't have food

Today is one of the days where you turn on the shower and hope gas comes out

When I see a parent who doesn't give in to their kids tantrum, I want to give them a medal of valor

I'm about to eat microwavable mac & cheese. Just in case any of you are wondering what loneliness looks like.

Every time someone blares hip hop from their car I just want to yell "WE LIVE IN VANCOUVER!"

I kinda like being hungover. Gives me a greater excuse to do what I normally do : nothing

What should I pretend I'm going to do today?

I have to say, I find "bro" slightly obnoxious, but this "brah" business is tres amusant!

Guys with toenail polish. No.

Settle down hipsters wearing boat shoes with no socks. It's February

"And if you show me just the tiniest bit of light, I'm gonna fuckin blow this guy's head off!!" - migraines

If you think at almost 36 I don't run & slide when there's ice on the ground? You'd be wrong