People who tweet a lot of motivational stuff on here are the same people who reminded the teacher she forgot to give out homework.

I went to a nude beach. After 20 minutes of applying sunscreen to my penis, I drove home. Next time, I'll get out of the car. Baby steps.

There should be more than one kind of handicapped parking placard. "I have no legs" and "My knees gave out at 350 lbs" aren't the same.

Ladies, if I DM you, I'm NOT flirting. I'm just saying, "I enjoy your tweets, you seem like a nice person, look at this pic of my penis."

I feel as useless as a Kardashian sister's library card.

One of the cutest things my wife's ever done is sing "You've Got a Friend in Me" to me during a 3-way with a buddy of mine.

"Verified Account" means you can type any lame thing that comes to mind and everyone on Twitter with a room temperature IQ must star it.

If someone told me that Twitter was founded by a guy with Tourette Syndrome who wanted to talk about his penis and bacon, I'd believe it.

I'm so happy I found Twitter. You have no idea how much time I used to just flat out waste.

Slam the Golden Globes but if there was an award show for socially inept alcoholics, we'd all be talking about what we are going to wear.

I'm using an older version of Twitter that won't be around much longer. Well, I'm older and won't be around much longer so it speaks to me.

You can shoot me a look and button another button on your blouse but once I get a mental image, you're my showertime wife.

I'm guessing Capt. "Sully" Sullenberger plays the "I landed a fucking plane on water" card if his wife asks him to do stuff around the house

If I ever win the lottery, I plan to take $1,000,000 of my winnings and hire Ricky Gervais to handle the resignation from my job.

If you love someone, let them go. Then have sex with all her friends before she comes crawling back to you and pretend it was all her fault.

I've been reading books on the science of motivation. It beats, you know, doing something.

I tell people I'm not lactose intolerant but I did bitch slap some half and half once.

I'm not getting the locked tweet strategy. I may want to follow you but how do I know? I mean, you could be tweeting about scrapbooking.

Dear couples who communicate with each other exclusively using Facebook,
No one cares about your special love.
Regards,
Everyone

Facebook: "I just knitted a sweater for my honor student."
Twitter: "I just banged my wife."
Tumblr: "I feel trapped by my wife and kids."